Cryptonews

Seems like the world’s wallet is only so deep these days – can’t have the golden bull and the digital buck both tearing up the prairie at once.

“What?”-the only fitting response by the prominent oracle Gainzy, whose wit is as sharp as a serf’s scythe, to the astonishing apparition of SBF’s message after his long exile behind bars. Perhaps a friend, or a ghost, dared to utter this mundane greeting that set markets aflame.

For Coinbase, this isn’t just another token listing, it’s part of a bigger plan to bring a billion people into crypto by letting them transact in the money they already know and use. A billion people? That’s a lot of people. I’m sure they’ll all be thrilled to use their own money in crypto. Or maybe they’ll just be confused. Either way, let’s do it. 🤷‍♂️

Some chronicle this curious man’s recent gambit: a bold wager of ten percent, a colossal $20.5 million, wrapped up in 450,766 HYPE tokens, placed but hours ago. One imagines the trader gazing upon these digits and tokens as a hopeful poet does blank pages, dreaming of sonnets yet to come.

And lo, the project stands but a mere few thousand dollars shy of its $900,000 goal, having already amassed the considerable sum of $897,612. One can scarcely imagine the tea parties such funds might finance! 🍵

Enter the shiny knight-Bitcoin Hyper Layer 2-built on the Solana Virtual Machine, an ironical twist of fate, designed to elevate Bitcoin to the level of a speedy, cost-effective deity. This bold little solution is like giving a tattered old horse a jetpack-suddenly, thousands of transactions per second are within grasp, and fees plummet to mere whispers of the former peaks. Marvel as the Canonical Bridge enables the daring to ferry $BTC between worlds, locking it on the Bitcoin mainnet while minting a new token-$HYPER, the hero of this epic-ready to unlock a universe of decentralized finance, meme coins, and other digital wizardry.

And here’s the punchline that makes you wonder if they’re joking: Coinbase paid a bunch of surveyors, and 70% of the locals are filing their tax returns while secretly dreaming of stablecoins based on their national currencies. Because, clearly, what everyone needs in their life is a digital representation of their morning coffee budget, but with more blockchain. ☕️💸

Wednesday’s spectacle saw sectors leap, with Riot Platforms (RIOT) and IREN leading the parade at roughly 13% gains-because why not? Hut 8 (HUT), CleanSpark (CLSK), and Bit Digital (BTBT) managed around 6%, proving that in the realm of speculation, even small fishes can swim with the sharks. Since April, IREN has been the star, soaring nearly 500%, perhaps thinking it’s the last piece of Tsar Nicholas’s empire. 😂

“As far as I know,” he penned, with the gravitas of a man who’s spent years dodging regulators and dodging jail, “YZi Labs is not raising an external fund.” A statement so dry it could rival the Mojave Desert. Meanwhile, the Financial Times’ report, which claimed YZi (formerly Binance Labs) might pivot to a fund, was met with the kind of eye-roll reserved for politicians promising free tacos. 🌮

At the Bloomberg Future of Finance event (a place where grown-ups sip coffee and talk about money like it’s a bedtime story), Executive Board member Piero Cipollone dropped some “progress” news. Spoiler: it’s mostly about arguing over how much digital euro you’re allowed to hoard. “Middle of 2029 could be a fair assessment,” he said, with all the confidence of a weatherman predicting sunshine in a rainstorm. ☔