Cryptonews

$HBAR is now available to trade on Robinhood.

On July 25, bitcoin (BTC) took a nosedive below $115,000, sending a flurry of long positions to the great beyond. But fear not, my fellow speculators, for this little hiccup was as short-lived as a politician’s promise. By the end of the day, BTC had righted itself, closing above $116,000, and even managed to climb a bit further the next morning, peaking at $118,236 at about 5:30 a.m. EST on July 26. Talk about a wild week!

On Saturday, in what can only be described as a David-vs.-Goliath moment, a solo miner uncovered block height 907283. And according to mining enthusiasts who track these things obsessively, this digital hero did it all with a laughably small slice of hashpower. “Another Solominer just found a block,” tweeted the X account Solomining here. “The lucky guy had a total Hashrate of 48.3 TH/s coming from a single worker. So no, it wasn’t some fancy Bitaxe contraption—but hey, still smaller than your grandma’s microwave!” 🍲

This fine upstanding employee of Truist Bank apparently had a real knack for playing online detective, because she started her little money-laundering escapade back in 2023, gathering information like it was a penny drive at your local church—only this time, she was the one pocketing all the change.

You see, diligent crypto custodians are suddenly basking in the glow of popularity, courtesy of a string of unusually brazen escapades—from polite requests to hand over one’s Bitcoin to sharper, more assertive negotiations involving forceful wrenches. One almost imagines a scene in a raucous comedy, with overzealous assailants wielding tools straight from a mechanic’s toolkit!

Bitcoin, once a sneaky rabbit in a magician’s hat, is now strutting around as a legitimate treasury endeavor in Asia. On that fateful day of July 23, Quantum Solutions stood tall, like a samurai preparing for battle, announcing its grand plan to purchase these precious Bitcoins—valued at a staggering $350 million—over the next year. It’s a daring quest to bolster their treasury and, who knows, perhaps secure a spot among the legends of corporate lore. 🏯💪

Verily, the technical indicators dost suggest a most hopeful golden cross for our protagonist, XRP! With the 9-day and 26-day moving averages aligned like a perfect harmony, we venture forth toward a price of $3.34! Fear not, for the death cross doth seem a distant specter, like a ghost of bad plays past!

Enter Smitty, the humble scribe of digital gold, who has devised a model — a strange contraption— claiming that most folk across the earth will need less than a whole Bitcoin, a mere slice of the digital cake, for their twilight years in 2035. But those bold enough to retire this very year might find themselves reaching for between one and ten, as if treasure chests were suddenly filling with tiny bitcoins instead of gold coins. Or so he says, amid the calculations based on income, inflation, and a touch of mathematical wizardry — you know, the usual wizardry of modern men.

Galaxy Digital claims this sale was part of some fancy “legacy planning” for an investor who hopped aboard the Bitcoin train back when Satoshi himself was still handing out free samples. But wait! Crypto sleuth extraordinaire Ki Young Ju, CEO of CryptoQuant, decided to poke his nose into the matter. And oh boy, did he find something delightfully suspicious. 🕵️‍♂️

Thus, shall we dare to contemplate whether Ethereum is preparing itself to announce a triumphant rally, a phenomenon not witnessed in a full trip around the sun?