In a most curious turn of events, the number of S&P 500 companies daring to utter the word “recession” during their second-quarter earnings calls has plummeted to a mere 16, a staggering drop from 124 in the first quarter, as revealed by the ever-reliable FactSet. One might ponder, what is a recession, if not two consecutive quarters of negative growth? A rather dreary affair, indeed.
Not so long ago, back in July (which, as far as the future is concerned, ought to be ancient history), the market thought it had reached its Everest. Turns out this was but a gentle foothill: since the year unbuckled its belt, crypto’s grown by a stout 22%, shoving $750 billion under its mattress like my Aunt Polly stashes biscuits from the pantry.
In the last day alone, our mysterious financier-hereinafter referred to as “The Whales’ Unlikely Comic Relief”-sucked in a cool $212 million worth of Ether, data tells us. Six wallets, each a digital treasure chest, store their loot-some worth as much as a small country’s annual budget. Galaxy Digital, FalconX, and BitGo seem to have been the chosen haunts for this bitcoin Bond villain. One wallet holding $181 million-impressive, yet unimaginably modest compared to the one with $128 million, which seems almost quaint in comparison.
But wait, it gets better. According to Mow, most ETH holders are actually just holding onto their BTC and using it to pump up ETH. So, it’s like they’re all in on this grand scheme to create a bunch of new “generational bagholders” and then scoop up all the gains in BTC. Genius, right? Or just super sketchy…
He directs our gaze – a trifle theatrically, don’t you think? – toward something called the ‘OTHERS’ chart. ‘OTHERS,’ naturally, being the collective despondency of all altcoins beyond the glittering Top Ten and the stolid guardians of stablecoins. A veritable menagerie of digital oddities. He observes this ‘OTHERS’ construct with the keen interest of a lepidopterist studying a particularly drab moth.
Icahn’s ultra-exclusive, “no outsiders allowed” fund has already lost 8.8% this year-because why ruin just one investor’s day when you can ruin your own over and over again?
Technically, there’s a tiresome descending trendline lurking at £3.40-rather like an ex at a cocktail party-but break above it and we’re off to £3.60, then the glittering £4, and finally the darling £5 we’ve all promised ourselves in our more… optimistic moments. Stranger things have happened; I once mislaid an entire villa in Ibiza, after all.
Reason the First: Tether, stablecoin emperor and champion of headlines, announced in July its intention to bid a theatrical adieu to BCH, alongside a curious parade of lesser-known blockchains-Omni Layer, Kusama, EOS, Algorand-all scheduled for extinction on September 1, 2025. Frozen tokens, minting halted, the works. Tether’s $156 billion liquidity, about as subtle as an elephant on ice skates, will tiptoe out, potentially relegating BCH to the stablecoin equivalent of sock puppet theater, and unleashing an existential crisis in its on-chain demand worthy of Dostoevsky.
This shelf registration means they can issue securities flexibly, without asking permission every time-like a teenager with a new credit card. The plan is to raise up to $4 billion via at-the-market offerings, selling stocks at the most convenient-read, most advantageous-moment. ThinkEquity, because why not have a fancy partner when playing with billions? 💳💼
According to the new Investment Bank Law, investment banks are now differentiated from traditional banks-because who needs savings accounts when you can gamble with Bitcoin? These banks can now design financial instruments like bonds and public-private partnerships-because why let regular people invest in anything?
