“We have but a sliver left—so thin, so slippery you might lose it between your sausagey fingers,” he says on Thursday, vaguely nostalgic for the sweet days of 2020 when dreams seemed less riddled with existential dread and swindles.
Meanwhile, over in America (land of large cars and even larger spreadsheets), U.S. M2 has just sashayed past the $21.94 trillion mark. The S&P 500—in a moment of egregious showing off—vaulted above 6,200, presumably because numbers, like egos, love to be inflated.
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Pacing her government office (perhaps eyeing a portrait of Alexander Hamilton disapproving from the wall), Letitia James scribbled a letter to Congress with a quill dipped generously in sarcasm and ink. The STABLE Act and GENIUS Act, she announced, are as trustworthy as an umbrella made of cheesecloth.
On July 1, our protagonist Lagen (on X, naturally—where else does prophecy occur?) unveiled his revised Elliott Wave soiree, featuring no fewer than four consolidation phases—Base 1 through 4, for those diligently numbering their parabolic conquests—and a classic, borderline dramatic, step-like trajectory. It’s the economic equivalent of stairway to heaven, minus Led Zeppelin royalties.
Wave 5, evidently the belle of this ball, is supposedly setting its sights on $395,000—a number so flamboyant one wonders if Bitcoin will throw in a case of Krug for every new ATH. The culminating movements promise a crescendo rapid enough to ruffle even the stiffest upper lip.
The ever-watchful Trader Tardigrade (who unfortunately is not an actual water bear, but is just as uncrushable, apparently) took to X (a.k.a. Twitter, which is like shouting loudly outside a Victorian orphanage), and declared Dogecoin had wiggled, wagged, and finally burst above a stubborn 50-day descending trendline. The crowd of crypto-watchers, who hadn’t seen this much excitement since the last time the word “bullish” was mispronounced, perked up in their seats.
In a report that reads like a modern-day fairy tale, Glassnode proclaims that “a super-majority of Bitcoin investors” are currently sitting on a mountain of unrealized profits, following the cryptocurrency’s triumphant return to the dizzying heights of $107,000. One can almost hear the sound of champagne corks popping in the background.
According to the esteemed CryptoQuant, this lofty price point is the benchmark by which long-term holders of the cryptocurrency may judge their profits, if they are to rival those of earlier times.
As reported by the esteemed crypto sleuth ZachXBT, UAE authorities arrested Ilham in connection with an investigation into “wide-scale fraud” surrounding ZKasino. The report suggests that WhiteRock was connected to ZKasino’s $30 million fundraising, which followed the platform’s launch in April 2024. Alas, more than a year later, the funds still have not been returned to the poor souls who invested in this dubious venture.
This week saw XRP vault ostentatiously above $2.30—its highest leap since mid-June, leaving sideline investors muttering, “Well, dash it all!” Recent legal optimism seems to have infused enough pep into the market to send the price cavorting like an uncle after too many nightcaps at Christmas. Right now, XRP is busy doing the cha-cha at $2.22, and those clever market types like CasiTrades are already dissecting triangle-shaped patterns and Fibonacci extensions as if they were savoring a particularly juicy steak.
