Today, we bring you all the drama and intrigue of Bitcoin’s next act—courtesy of Standard Chartered, that reputable oracle who exists to remind us banks adore predicting things with regretful confidence.
With this latest purchase, Metaplanet now sits on 13,350 BTC, which is “a lot of Bitcoin” or, if you don’t speak Crypto Enthusiast, roughly “several private islands”—and hey, they just nudged past CleanSpark to become the world’s fifth-largest publicly traded Bitcoin hoarder. In other cultures they call it “a collection.” In Japan, apparently, it’s a corporate strategy.
With this licentious—pardon, *licensed*—blessing, Bitvavo may now set sail across the tempestuous seas of bureaucracy to all realms of the European Union, even those curious outposts called Norway, Iceland, and Liechtenstein. ‘Tis all thanks to one of those grand frameworks, the so-called MiCAR, whose purpose (one assumes grandly, as these things ever do) is to ensure every trader, from the humble servant to the lord of finance, may ply their digital wares without fear of pirates or, worse, unregulated ledgers! 🏴☠️💸
The Institute’s parchment, entitled 2050 Generation’s Virtual Asset Investment Trends (a headline sure to bankrupt several ink merchants), concocts a vision: in their 40s, the citizens march at the fore (31% participation), trailed closely by the brisk-footed 30s (28%), and the ever-contemplative 50s (25%). Apparently, life truly begins at forty, at least for Bitcoin. 🪙
As of June 27, 2025 – a date forever immortalized in the diaries of those who set their calendars by digital fortunes – SEI hovered upon the elevated plane of $0.28, having rebounded jauntily from the neglected troughs of $0.25. Yes, at $0.30 it flirted with heights, caressing the summit like a poet’s sigh, though some profit-takers, those eternal spoilsports, were keen to pluck feathers from its wings. Let it be known: just two days prior, SEI touched $0.33, the most impressive number seen since the day spring first considered calling itself summer.
Obtained, on average, for the paltry sum of $70,702 per coin—hardly the price of a modest pied-à-terre in London—these Bitcoins now sit smugly in a digital vault as the ticker creaks upward towards an extravagant $106,824. The arithmetic (never Saylor’s enemy) proclaims a total hoard value of $63.28 billion and an unrealized gain of $21.3 billion. This gain, of course, is still “unrealized,” much like Saylor’s childhood dream of command in the Royal Navy—fanciful, but entertaining to count.
Despite Ripple and the SEC finally holding hands and singing “Kumbaya” after years of legal mud wrestling, a federal judge decided to cancel the afterparty.
Yet even as these tokens haunt the heart of crypto’s infrastructure, not all souls are convinced they measure up to the regal mantle of “currency.” One wonders: is it money, or is it the eternal dream of money? Or (my personal suspicion), a Dostoevskian psychological experiment conducted on bankers?
NEW: SENATE BANKING CHAIR SCOTT SAYS MAJOR #BITCOIN AND CRYPTO BILLS WILL BE PASSED BY AUGUST
“DIGITAL ASSETS ARE CRITICAL TO AMERICAN DOMINANCE.”
Mark ye well the spectacle! Whilst the noble lords Bitcoin and Ethereum feasted, Cardano gnawed table scraps, its price slipping below $0.580 faster than a hypochondriac flees a sniffle. Down, down it went, beneath $0.5750, straight into the pit of bearish despair!
