Bollinger’s Witty Return: Bitcoin Scandalizes Markets With Dazzling New High

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Rarely does Olympus descend into Twitter (or “X,” as it calls itself and nobody else does), yet today, the mighty John Bollinger, priest of wavy financial things, saw fit to comment upon Bitcoin. Yes, Bitcoin—our generation’s answer to both gold and magic beans—has flung off its mortal coil and soared to a jaw-dropping all-time high of $113,804. If you listen closely, you can still hear the collective gasp of greedy uncles everywhere. 💸

Our elderly soothsayer, Mr. Bollinger—his insight seemingly undiminished by years, glasses, or the collapse of every tech bubble since the Ark—previously observed that Bitcoin was “setting up for a breakout” around the stupefyingly stubborn $110,000 mark. Like Cassandra, he was spot-on, but, delightfully, less doom and more moon 🌕. Let us pause for a moment to imagine calling the bottom of a market; alas, for most of us, it is only bottoms we call—never the turn, always the trousers.

No Selling Pressure (Or How HODLers Learned to Stop Worrying and Love FOMO) 🦉

Despite its latest skyward stunt, Bitcoin faces a selling pressure so limp, Victorian fainting couches are looking on in envy. Exchange flows, measured with the kind of care typically reserved for royal teacups, are teetering on decade-long lows, says CryptoQuant (a name which practically begs to be taken seriously).

The soothsayers at Santiment, meanwhile, have spotted an “eagerness” among traders—more a trembling anticipation than a rush for the exits, like debutantes waiting for the prince to notice their tiaras. As a consequence, the prospect of a sudden sell-off looks about as threatening as a doily.

A Whale Flexes: Greed, Leverage, and $340 Million Balancing on a Unicycle 🐳

And lo, as Hamlet had his Ghost, Bitcoin has its Whale. This enigmatic leviathan, identity masked in a fog of opulence, has beefed up his long position to a deliciously reckless 3,000 BTC. Not content with mere millions, the whale added a swashbuckling 20x leverage, for a grand total flirtation with $340 million—a sum large enough to purchase several small islands or a single penthouse suite in Manhattan (view not included).

At these giddy heights, the whale’s current booty is $13 million: a floating profit indeed, should the sea stay calm. For now, both the coin and our whale are riding higher than the price of mustaches at a Victorian masquerade.🎩🐋

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2025-07-10 23:56