Billionaire’s Bad Bet: Carl Icahn Loses Bigger Than Your Ex’s Resentment! 😱

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Well, well, well… looks like billionaire Carl Icahn’s private hedge fund has been bleeding red like a bad horror movie for six straight years! 🎬💸

Icahn’s ultra-exclusive, “no outsiders allowed” fund has already lost 8.8% this year-because why ruin just one investor’s day when you can ruin your own over and over again?

According to a *very serious* filing, the fund blamed… wait for it… “market hedges.” Translation: “Oops, we thought we were smarter than the market.” Classic Icahn move.

“The negative performance of our investment segment’s short positions was driven primarily by net losses from broad market hedges of $147 million and net losses in the energy sector of $81 million.”

That’s right-$147 million gone faster than a Magic Mike ticket on Ladies’ Night. And another $81 million vanished in energy bets. What’s next, Carl? Betting against gravity?

Icahn Enterprises (IEP) is the proud owner of failed short bets and six other segments-energy, automotive, food packaging, real estate, home fashion, and pharma-because diversification totally cancels out spectacular losses. 😅

As of Friday, IEP shares were at a devastating $9.27-down 83% since April 2023 and 93% off their all-time high of $149 (last seen in 2013, when optimism still existed).

But wait-plot twist! 💥 Hindenburg Research, Wall Street’s favorite party pooper, accused IEP of being highly levered by debt and funding dividends with new units-basically paying investors with Monopoly money.

IEP responded by slashing dividends in half, because nothing says “We got this” like panicking.

And in April, Icahn personally redeemed $208 million from the fund-because if anyone’s getting paid, it’s gotta be Carl! 💰 Priorities, people.

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2025-08-11 03:43