Base Founder: No Magic Money Buttons!

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It seems the naive denizens of the digital marketplace actually believe someone might ethically manipulate the whims of fortune! Base’s co-founder, a Mr. Jesse Pollak, has condescended to assure the masses that he and his team will not, under any circumstances, engage in the vulgar practice of… gasp… actively influencing prices. One shudders to think what Lady Bracknell would say.

Apparently, the notion that they might privately orchestrate a little upward mobility for favoured assets was deemed, by Mr. Pollak, not merely unsporting, but – and this is the truly dreadful part – potentially illegal. Such a pedestrian concern! As if legality were ever a barrier to true ambition. And to think, it would disadvantage the other assets! The sheer consideration!

Maintaining Appearances

Instead, the team will dedicate itself to increasing the ‘distribution and visibility’ of assets deemed ‘high-quality’. A delightfully vague pronouncement. One imagines ‘high-quality’ translates to ‘those that sufficiently flatter us with their potential for revenue’. They acknowledge, with what I presume is feigned modesty, that their current efforts are… lacking. How utterly relatable.

“But base – and every market – deserves to be free, open, and fair,” declared Mr. Pollak, with an air of profound sincerity. One wonders if he truly believes his own pronouncements, or if it is merely performance for the impressionable public.

The whole kerfuffle originated from a rather pointed query as to why Base wasn’t aggressively inflating the value of… shall we say, less-than-established ventures. A most uncouth question, really. One user even observed that the dominance of fleeting ‘meme coins’ is a pervasive failing of the entire ecosystem. One suspects this user possesses a remarkably astute, and likely unwelcome, perspective on matters.

A Fleeting Reign

Base apparently enjoyed a brief moment of financial preeminence, amassing a rather pedestrian $147,000 in daily revenue. A sum, I’m sure, that barely keeps the champagne flowing. This temporarily placed them above rivals like Arbitrum and Starknet, who, by comparison, were positively impoverished. The others (Linea, Optimism, and a parade of increasingly obscure names) fared even worse, with their revenues trailing off into a lamentable nothingness.

And then, the truly scandalous part: someone at X dared to imagine a “Base” token valued at a preposterous $130, boasting a market capitalization of $373 billion. The audacity! Such flights of fancy only serve to fuel the rampant speculation of the credulous masses. Really, one expects better from social media platforms.

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2026-01-28 07:56