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This “Bitcoin Vector” – an institutional reporter, a title that already reeks of impenetrable bureaucracy – proclaims a decisive field of conflict between $110,000 and $115,000. A conflict! As if Bitcoin is a nation-state requiring defense! The very idea. Apparently, a temporary lull in the perpetually escalating tensions between the Americans and the Chinese – a lull, mind you, a temporary cessation of their relentless posturing – briefly allowed this digital currency to breathe. A reprieve, swiftly followed by stagnation. The momentum, you see, remains…flat. Like a pancake after a particularly disappointing attempt at a soufflé.

In a missive scrawled on the digital walls of X, the duo proclaimed: “We can no longer peddle our wares in this cursed bazaar.” A noble excuse, indeed, for a venture that once dared to dream of a $4 billion valuation-now reduced to a dusty relic worth $30.9 million. 🪦

MSTR stock strutted its stuff at $296.61, up 2.33%, while Bitcoin took a nap at $107,792.91 after a 3.14% tumble. Markets, eh? More fickle than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. 🐱

Behold, the CoinShares report of October 20 unveils a tale of woe: digital asset investment products faced a week so dreary that even gloomy clouds blushed. On the fateful Friday, October 10, liquidity vanished as if into a magician’s hat, leaving net outflows of $513 million from crypto Exchange-Traded Products (ETPs)-one of the grandest exoduses of the year. Cumulative outflows since the cataclysm? A staggering $668 million. Our brave ETP investors, however, remain unflustered, while the on-chain folks have grown as bearish as a winter raven. 🦅

Market strategist Merlijn the Trader, who probably owns a pet owl named Fibonacci, has declared Ethereum’s price action a “striking resemblance” to gold’s 2024 breakout. “Gold led. Ethereum followed. Same pattern. Same setup,” he said, as if he’d just discovered fire. Historians of finance, take note: this is how empires rise-or at least, how crypto wallets swell.

And who should sound the alarm but the dynamic duo themselves, Changpeng “CZ” Zhao and Yi He, co-founders of Binance. They’ve been wagging their fingers at investors, warning of phishing scams and fake airdrops spreading like gossip at a cocktail party. 🍸🤥 In a particularly scandalous incident, the official X account of BNB Chain (followed by nearly four million, mind you!) was hijacked to promote a fraudulent token campaign. How dare they! 😤

This grand flourish coincided neatly with the Federal Reserve’s latest shindig-a tea soiree where central bankers, in their infinite wisdom, mused aloud about granting crypto and fintech firms access to their hallowed payment rails. One might imagine Jeeves murmuring, “I see you’ve decided to let the hoi polloi play with the silverware.”

What promised to be a hallelujah of inflows for them fancy bitcoin exchange-traded funds on Monday, Oct. 20-think champagne and caviar-turned into a katzenjammer dirge by the buzzer, as bigwig investors cashed in their chips faster than a gambler at a rigged roulette! Sarcasm alert: Who knew profits could evaporate like my patience at a family dinner? 🎭🍾

CEO Paolo Ardoino, a man with a knack for hyperbole, has dubbed this the “biggest financial inclusion achievement in history”-a title that would make even the most seasoned politician blush. 🤡

It’s retraced, folks, along with the fading retail buzz and a market that’s as cautious as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Still, ASTER stays in the game, pulling over $150 million daily-more than some small towns’ economies! 🏙️