qfx Democratic Governor of Illinois, Jay Robert “JB” Pritzker, signed not one, but two bills into law this Monday, promising to regulate the chaos of crypto and protect Illinois consumers. But of course, this is just a cover for his chance to unload a verbal barrage at President Donald Trump, accusing him of giving lobbyists a seat at the policy-writing table.
Bitcoin, that proud paragon of decentralization, now teeters on the edge of a centralized quagmire, thanks to its own PoW folly. How ironic! 🤡
On Tuesday, the Wyoming Stable Token Commission made the big announcement, promising users of this new digital dollar-clone secure, transparent, and efficient transactions. Because who doesn’t want their blockchain-powered coffee orders to go through without a hitch? ☕✨
And yet, after its brief vertiginous flirtation, the token-never one for fidelity-descended to a coquettish $4,306, still 0.7% sexier week-over-week. Imagine, darlings, the market’s monocle slipping in collective swoon.
In a plot twist befitting a mediocre thriller, WazirX, India’s crypto exchange, was ruthlessly hacked last July, leaving it with a hole roughly the size of $235 million. This unfortunate incident wiped out nearly half of the company’s reserves, forcing them to shut down withdrawals and leave users wondering if they’d ever see their digital treasures again. Fast forward a year, and it seems that the phoenix of cryptocurrency is stirring from the ashes-maybe. Just maybe.
The short-term holders-those restless souls clutching their TRX like nervous suitors-have found themselves unexpectedly blessed. Gains exceeding 30% in mere months! One can almost hear the whispers in the drawing room: “Ah, if only Uncle Vanya had invested…”
In an edict delivered more haughtily than Lady Bracknell rebuking a mislaid cigarette case, the FSC has commanded Korean exchanges to cease minting fresh lending contracts quicker than one can mispronounce “Gangnam.” Renewal of existing vows is still permitted-much like the perpetuation of an unhappy marriage for the sake of relations in the country-yet woe betide any platform bold enough to disobey, lest a zealous inspector swoop down, armed with penalty forms and a tragic lack of humour. 😬
She floated this brainwave at a blockchain hoedown in Wyoming on Tuesday, because nothing says “21st century technology” quite like a landlocked state stuffed with cowboys and geeks. Bowman’s pitch: why not let Fed staff clutch a de minimus amount-Latin for “too small for the accounting software to care”-so they actually grasp how one sends an ether to Janet Yellen without accidentally donating it to an NFT of her high-school yearbook photo.
As Asia awakens to the dreary reality of another trading day, Bitcoin languishes at $113,000 – a sum that, frankly, seems rather vulgar. Ether, not to be outdone in this performance of decline, hovers around $4,100. A week of weakness, you say? How… novel. 😒
