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White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, with all the seriousness of a woman who had just discovered her umbrella was upside down, declared: “President Trump exercised his constitutional authority by issuing a pardon for Mr. Zhao, who was prosecuted by the Biden Administration in their war on cryptocurrency.” As if the entire enterprise was less about justice and more about a game of high-stakes chess played with less regard for pawns and more for the spectacle of the king’s gambit.

Oh, the crypto drama that unfolded on Friday! 🤯 The Polymarket bettors were like vultures, swooping in to wager on the potential return of Changpeng “CZ” Zhao to Binance, after President Trump dropped the bombshell – a pardon for the crypto mogul! 🤩

Ah, the grand spectacle that is Donald Trump-ever the man of mystery and pardon. The latest plot twist? Trump recently found himself explaining his decision to pardon the former CEO of Binance, Changpeng Zhao, after Zhao served a whole four months in prison for a crime that, according to Trump, is more of a “misunderstanding” than a felony. 🧐

Currently the Deputy Director of the Presidential Council of Advisers for Digital Assets, Witt has been known to describe digital assets as “strategic infrastructure”-which sounds as glamorous as a tax audit, but hey, he’s apparently all about Bitcoin collecting just like a refined collector’s item. 🥂

Ah, the speculative narrative thickens! The $3.8k-zone, a steadfast fort since July, stands guard. Breached? Then alas, $3.4k will lamentfully await its role as the next vassal.

So, Bitcoin dipped below $109,000 again. 🥴 Tested the $106,720 zone like it was a new skincare product. But guess what? It’s trying to make a comeback, honey! Moved above $108,000 and $108,800 like it’s NBD. 😎

In the frostbitten realm of blockchain, where frostbitten digits clutch at thin air, the enigmatic report from Glassnode whispers of calamity. Should the beast named Bitcoin falter beyond the elusive $108,500 mark, it may dance with a deeper correction, as fickle as a snowflake’s descent.

In November 2023, CZ proudly admitted in court that Binance’s anti-money laundering program was more of a suggestion than a policy. This was part of a $4.3 billion settlement with the DOJ, which is basically the crypto version of “Oops, we accidentally funded global crime.” Prosecutors claimed Binance helped Hamas, ISIS, and people who sell drugs on the dark web. Oh, and they let users from countries with names like “North Korea” and “Iran” log in. Classic. 🎩

Ledger’s gone and spruced up its lineup with the Nano Gen5, a touchscreen marvel that promises to make crypto self-custody as easy as swatting a fly. Meanwhile, Trezor’s Safe 7 is busy preparing for the quantum apocalypse. Because, you know, why not? 🤷♂️