qfx Once the crown jewel of India’s crypto kingdom, WazirX had fallen into a slumber after a $230 million hack in July 2024. A multi-signature wallet, managed by the ever-so-trustworthy Liminal, was compromised. Thousands of accounts froze faster than a Gogol protagonist’s heart in winter. “Fear not!” cried the exchange, “Your funds are safe during our grand ‘restructuring and verification process.'” 🧊💔
Amid the disputes swirling like a Dostoevskian fever dream, where false prophets are unmasked, and curious buyers flock like souls seeking redemption, perchance absorbing the sell pressure and igniting a rebound-ah, the sweet mockery of greed’s illusions. 🙄
Meanwhile, South Korea’s beloved crypto altar, Upbit, now resembles a ghost town after the carnival left town: trading volumes have slumped 12.8%, a mere flesh wound in the grand scheme of financial melodrama. 🩸
Yet, this same nation, which once celebrated the arrival of the British Raj with a mix of awe and dread, now imposes rules so onerous, one might think crypto is a plague of locusts rather than a beacon of progress. The numbers, oh the numbers! A survey of 9,000 souls revealed 84% believe these policies are as fair as a crocodile in a courtroom. 🐊⚖️
Some Keener-than-thou experts-like Dr. Altcoin, who apparently moonlights as a crystal ball reader-think that Pi could go all Bitcoin on us and skyrocket over the next five years. Because nothing screams stability like a crypto that’s still trying to find its shoes. 🚶♂️
In Tuesday’s trading, XRP slipped below the $2.50 support, falling 5% to $2.47 as institutional selling pressure came to a head. The breach marked the end of weeks of careful consolidation, as volume surged and chart patterns lined up to usher in what can only be called a delightful correction phase.
“Our altcoin model remains steadfast-short Ether, long Bitcoin,” trilled Markus Thielen of 10x Research, as though he’d discovered the secret to eternal youth.
The company reaffirmed its full-year guidance of $34 billion in operating income and $20 billion in Bitcoin gains, solidifying its position as the world’s largest corporate Bitcoin holder. Or, as the ancient Romans would say, “Sic transit gloria mundi” – but with more zeroes. 💸
This diplomatic ballet was supposedly in exchange for China agreeing to take a break from its export controls on those pesky rare earth minerals-used in everything from your latest smartphone to military gear-so basically, a trade deal with a wink and a handshake. If only the markets believed in the fairy tale, but alas, skepticism remains the loyal court jester. 📉
Yet here we are, again, as the noble institution Jump Crypto, with the subtlety of a drunkard’s stumble, offloaded 1.1 million SOL ($205 million) for Bitcoin, that “digital gold” now trading at $107,520. Their Bitcoin hoard? A mere 2,455 BTC ($265 million), acquired with the swiftness of a man fleeing a burning tavern. One cannot help but chuckle at the irony: selling Solana’s “future” for Bitcoin’s “past.”
