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And wait for it – in *under 7 weeks* from sending in your paperwork, you could be sipping on some overpriced coffee in Dubai. I mean, what could go wrong? Oh, and don’t worry, your money stays with you! Thanks to something called a decentralized smart contract on the TON blockchain – yeah, try explaining that to your grandmother – you still control your assets. Well, as long as you don’t lose your password or forget the blockchain exists… 🤷‍♂️

Now, before you get too excited, 🌟

Chairman Jerome Powell endures not just the ravages of inflation and economic tempests, but also volleys of political sabotage—his reward for refusing to cave in to demands that seem ripped from the script of a banana republic (do bananas sue for libel? One wonders). Republicans circle him, eyes gleaming, chanting vague threats of his resignation, while Bill Pulte, in a burst of keyboard heroism, posts whimsical accusations of perjury. Social media: where both revolutions and cat videos happen. 🐱

Meanwhile, as for those robust, respectable altcoins? Their performance was as exciting as a courtier’s nap after lunch. A gentle wiggle, a modest bow, like polite applause to a terribly long-winded speech. Yet! Behold! From behind the tapestry, TON and BONK emerge, tripping over their own exuberance on this tranquil Sunday morn.

Canadian woman Raelene Vandenbosch is embroiled in a multi-million dollar legal battle, alleging she lost 12.57969337 bitcoins, now valued at approximately $1,359,246, to a sophisticated SIM-swapping scam. Her lawsuit, filed against telecom company Rogers Communications and Match Transact Inc., attributes the devastating loss to a security lapse by a cellphone store employee.

Top analyst Daan has weighed in on this development, highlighting the growing demand and reduced downside pressure for altcoins. As macroeconomic conditions stabilize and risk appetite returns, altcoins could see renewed interest from traders and investors. The next key test will be whether bulls can reclaim higher levels and flip the broader altcoin market structure definitively back to bullish.

While the S&P 500 Index was busy gaining a respectable 4.25% over the 30-day period ending June 27th, Ethereum was, well, not exactly setting the world on fire. 🔥 In fact, it corrected by 24% before bouncing off the June 22nd support, ultimately finalizing a 2% loss for the 30 days ending June 30th. Ouch! 😬

Picture this: a user, a poor soul, whose four-year-old account, holding a modest $11,000, is locked in mid-June. The exchange has placed a cold iron bar across his trading, depositing, and withdrawal privileges. Can he escape? Can he release the funds he thought were his? Alas, no.

The local scribes, ever eager for tales of betrayal and duplicity, now swirl their ink at the behest of the federal prosecutors, who allege that Denice, with the artistry of a novelist and the subtlety of a winter wind, has divested eight customers of $75,000. She also relieved her own employer—the First Federal Savings of Lorain—of a further $1,000, because why let loyalty get in the way when you’re on a roll?

Imagine a fractal—no, not the sort of thing that drives wizards mad when they stare too long, but a price fractal that, when held up to Bitcoin’s colorful 2024 epic, looks almost identical. There’s a dramatic “liquidity grab” (cue the audience gasp!), a double top that practically yells “you shall not pass!” and then—miracle of miracles—a triumphant recovery.