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Obtained, on average, for the paltry sum of $70,702 per coin—hardly the price of a modest pied-à-terre in London—these Bitcoins now sit smugly in a digital vault as the ticker creaks upward towards an extravagant $106,824. The arithmetic (never Saylor’s enemy) proclaims a total hoard value of $63.28 billion and an unrealized gain of $21.3 billion. This gain, of course, is still “unrealized,” much like Saylor’s childhood dream of command in the Royal Navy—fanciful, but entertaining to count.

Despite Ripple and the SEC finally holding hands and singing “Kumbaya” after years of legal mud wrestling, a federal judge decided to cancel the afterparty.

Yet even as these tokens haunt the heart of crypto’s infrastructure, not all souls are convinced they measure up to the regal mantle of “currency.” One wonders: is it money, or is it the eternal dream of money? Or (my personal suspicion), a Dostoevskian psychological experiment conducted on bankers?

NEW: SENATE BANKING CHAIR SCOTT SAYS MAJOR #BITCOIN AND CRYPTO BILLS WILL BE PASSED BY AUGUST

“DIGITAL ASSETS ARE CRITICAL TO AMERICAN DOMINANCE.”

Mark ye well the spectacle! Whilst the noble lords Bitcoin and Ethereum feasted, Cardano gnawed table scraps, its price slipping below $0.580 faster than a hypochondriac flees a sniffle. Down, down it went, beneath $0.5750, straight into the pit of bearish despair!

And so the Lingerie Fighting Championships (forever BOTY in the vast Las Vegas expanse), our valiant troupe of women’s MMA, proclaims: $230,000 in bitcoin now, and then, with a pause for vodka and contemplation, $2 million sprinkled over the coming six months.

At a time when the world verily teeters on the brink of drama—think less garden party, more full-scale ballroom fracas—Dogecoin appears to have found its composure, presenting a respectable higher low. If only my cousin Lydia had shown as much restraint, we’d have been spared an entire volume! 📈😉

So, Grove gets launched, there’s a big press release, everyone puts on their best poker face, and suddenly, Sky’s ecosystem hands over a cool billion to invest in some “Janus Henderson Anemoy AAA CLO Strategy.” You know a name’s credible when it takes three breaths to say it. The twist? This is a fully tokenized fund, ‘cause who needs bonds or cash when you can have… tokens! 🪙

Not long ago, SUI was sliding downhill faster than Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka’s chocolate river. But suddenly—WHAM!—it catapulted by 12.5%–15%, up to a sprightly $2.79, leaving short sellers spluttering into their cereal. Apparently, $2.40 isn’t just a number, it’s a magical Fibonacci number! (Whatever that means, it sounds suspiciously mystical 🧙‍♂️.)

The world’s finest and most valuable enterprises do not, I regret to report, sway upon the public stage. Alas, their charms are reserved for the select few, ensconced deep in portfolios, guarded by capital thresholds of an impertinent scale and adorned with velvet ropes so thick, one requires either a dukedom or at the very least, a distant cousin who wields a vast endowment.