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Picture this: a user, a poor soul, whose four-year-old account, holding a modest $11,000, is locked in mid-June. The exchange has placed a cold iron bar across his trading, depositing, and withdrawal privileges. Can he escape? Can he release the funds he thought were his? Alas, no.
The local scribes, ever eager for tales of betrayal and duplicity, now swirl their ink at the behest of the federal prosecutors, who allege that Denice, with the artistry of a novelist and the subtlety of a winter wind, has divested eight customers of $75,000. She also relieved her own employer—the First Federal Savings of Lorain—of a further $1,000, because why let loyalty get in the way when you’re on a roll?
Imagine a fractal—no, not the sort of thing that drives wizards mad when they stare too long, but a price fractal that, when held up to Bitcoin’s colorful 2024 epic, looks almost identical. There’s a dramatic “liquidity grab” (cue the audience gasp!), a double top that practically yells “you shall not pass!” and then—miracle of miracles—a triumphant recovery.
Now, this wasn’t the first time our hero had dabbled in the world of digital currencies. Oh no, not by a long shot. You see, the good Doctor (as he’s known in the hip-hop circles, though not, one suspects, in the medical community) had previously wagered a cool $1 million in BTC on the outcome of the 2022 Super Bowl, a spectacle of American football that, while not quite as thrilling as a game of cricket, has its own peculiar charm.
DBS Bank’s valuation is like a big ol’ stamp of approval for Ripple. It’s like, “Hey, we believe in you, Ripple! You’re doing great things in the world of blockchain-based cross-border payments!” 🌟. And, let’s be real, Ripple’s been crushing it in Asia, especially with its new BFF Tenity in Singapore 🤝.
Now, if we cast our minds back to the waning days of 2024, the scene was quite different. The altcoin index was swimming at a high of 87 in December, a clear sign that the little fish were having their day. But by late April 2025, the tide had turned, and the index had sunk to a lowly 12. Yet, a few of these digital minnows managed to leap out of the water and over the Bitcoin lily pad, posting gains that would make a goldfish blush.
Lynch comes packing more experience than a grandma at a yard sale: decades in bankland and fintech, just in time for Europe’s newest tradition—more rules! Thanks to the Markets in Crypto-Assets Regulation (MiCA) landing like a syllabus from the strictest professor, the EU is out here trying to house-train the crypto wild west.
In a recent X post, Bittel used the ‘GMI Bitcoin Cycle Top Finder’ to show that this cycle is far from over. He pointed out that this indicator has been spot on in the past, correctly spotting four top signals in Bitcoin’s history. But guess what? This time, the indicator is saying, “Not so fast, my crypto friends!” BTC is nowhere near a cycle top, and that’s music to the ears of bulls everywhere. 🐂
Formerly of Jonah Bank, Hickman has now been promoted to “Person the Federal Reserve Warns Everyone About at Awkward Social Events.” Her exploits allegedly include making off with $33,212 from a nonprofit where she had the dual role of Bookkeeper and Apparent Magician—specializing in the “Now you see it, now you don’t!” style of financial reporting.
BitMine Immersion Technologies (NYSE American: BMNR) has lately become the Rorschach test of finance bros and crypto kittens alike—a stock that, as of Monday, pirouetted 700% in a single day. The trigger? The enlisting of Tom Lee, that zigzagging oracle of Wall Street, who now occupies the Chairman’s plush seat. What next—Jim Cramer as court jester?
