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Amid this bullish surge, a Columbia professor, with the gravitas of a Shakespearean villain, has delivered a scathing critique of the crypto industry. 🐍

“Bitcoin sell-off still underway!” gasped Lookonchain on X, as if anyone needed reminding. Apparently, another 2,850 BTC ($330.44M) waltzed onto exchanges early this morning, originating from a Satoshi-era whale who decided to wake up and smell the coffee this month. Prior to that, the analytics account posted an alert that read like a gossip column: “Note that Galaxy Digital has deposited over 10,000 BTC ($1.18B) to exchanges in the past 8 hours!” Screenshots revealed a series of multi-million-dollar transactions sashaying toward Binance, Bybit, and OKX. One almost expects them to curtsey upon arrival. 🎭

Sun, ever the showman, decided X (formerly Twitter) was the place to flex… because nothing says “legitimacy” like begging your 3.8 million followers to watch you ring a bell. “Nasdaq’s been the playground for tech titans… and now Tron’s here to play, too,” he said. Because nothing says “innovation” like a 15-year grind to join the party. 🚀

At their grand spectacle in Brazil last July—oh, what a festival of handshakes and furrowed brows!—they scribbled down enough agreements to make a petty notary faint. “BRICS Pay,” they call it, a settlement network more ambitious than a narcoleptic trying to climb Mount Everest. All this, of course, to spite the almighty dollar, which they wish to dethrone like emperors overthrowing a particularly unpopular statue.

Ripple (XRP) reached for the stars at $3.65, smashing through old highs like it was a tin can in a trash fire. The crowd cheered—until they realized it was just a fever dream. Now it’s chilling at $3.09, probably contemplating life’s futility.

Trump, in what can only be described as his take on global economics 101, argued that the U.S. should have interest rates that are as low as Switzerland’s, which, by the way, are hovering just above the zero mark at 0.5%. Meanwhile, the U.S. is still sitting pretty between 4.25% and 4.5%. How does he explain the difference? Well, it’s simple, really—cut those rates, and the economy will be a rocket ship to the moon (in a totally non-metaphorical way, we assume). 🚀

In a shocking revelation posted on the infamous X social media platform (you know, where the tweets fly like they’re in a Speedy Gonzales cartoon!), JD claims that XRP is on the verge of a holy rollercoaster ride. He’s reading the charts like a priest reads the Bible—except he’s expecting a massive price explosion instead of a promised land! 💥

Picture this: a China-based electric vehicle (EV) company, U Power Limited (Nasdaq: UCAR), has decided to don the cape of innovation—or perhaps desperation—and partner with Iotex, a decentralized physical infrastructure (DePIN) firm. Their mission? To tokenize their network of battery swapping and charging stations. Yes, you read that correctly. Tokenization. Because apparently, in 2023, no industry is safe from the blockchain buzzword bonanza. 🪙

Apparently, $1.13 is now a ‘key support region’. Which is a fancy way of saying “people are vaguely hoping it doesn’t go lower”. Analysts, those beings who dedicate their lives to staring at wobbly lines, seem to think this is important. The 24-hour trading volume exceeded $904 million, which is… a lot of money to spend on a digital dog with headwear. A truly staggering amount. One wonders if anyone stopped to consider buying actual hats for actual dogs. Just a thought. 🐕‍🦱

Forbes, that paragon of financial wisdom, informs us that Larsen’s net worth remains a modest $10.8 billion, securing him the 264th spot on the global rich list. A truly modest achievement, one might say, given his initial 9.5 billion XRP allocation from 2012’s pre-mine. Now, he’s down to 2.8 billion tokens. A financial tightrope walker, perhaps? Or just a man with a flair for the dramatic. 🤡