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The economic calendar is looking like a particularly exciting episode of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” The Consumer Price Index (CPI) report on August 12 will reveal whether inflation is cooling down or if those pesky tariffs are turning the economy into a hot pot of chaos. Two weeks later, the Producer Price Index (PPI) on August 14 will give us yet another peek under the economic hood.

On the fateful day of July 31, a brave soul from CurveDAO decided to throw caution to the wind and submit a proposal. This proposal, which could be mistaken for a particularly dry tome on the history of paint drying, argued that Curve’s Layer 2 escapades are about as profitable as a chocolate teapot. Apparently, they generate little revenue and divert resources from far more exciting ventures, like the shiny new crvUSD stablecoin. Layer 2 networks, you see, are supposed to be the knights in shining armor, improving Ethereum’s scalability and becoming the talk of the town. But alas, it seems they’ve turned out to be more like the court jesters. 🤡

Martinez employs the mystical CBD (cost basis distribution) model—think of it as on-chain astrology—that reveals where the treasure chests of ENA are buried at various price levels. According to this oracular system, support zones are emerging around $0.47 and $0.44, where the tokens have amassed into sizable hoards, akin to dragons guarding their gold. Should the market mood sour and push ENA beneath this protective layer, brace yourselves for the $0.35 zone, a veritable redoubt held by a $1 billion ENA supply cluster, as indicated by the deepest red on the chart—probably the financial equivalent of a bunker in wartime.

So, Mill City Ventures is now the proud owner of over 76 million SUI tokens—at an average price of $3.6389. For those keeping score, that’s roughly the cost of a small wedding in a budget-friendly venue. Just imagine the conversation at dinner parties: “What does your company do?” “Oh, we’re the first public company holding SUI as a treasury reserve!” (Insert blank stares here.)

In the star-studded saga of Bollywood wannabes Sidhartha “Sammy” Mukherjee and Mrs. Mukherjee, the plot thickened—federal investigators swooped in like hawks. Turns out, they weren’t just charming socialites—they were *professional* con artists with a platelet of scams topped with a sprinkle of fraud. Bravo, guys, bravo.

Alex Rampell, a General Partner at Andreessen Horowitz (a16z), spilled his cryptic missive on July 31, a parchment scrawled with ink thicker than a banker’s conscience.

Just yesterday, a staggering $613 million in leveraged positions evaporated into the ether, leaving traders scratching their heads—probably wondering if they should’ve just bought a cow. CoinGlass reports that the lion’s share of this liquidated chaos came from longs, which is a fancy way of saying folks bet big and lost bigger. 🐂➡️💧

July 4, 2025, brought a most dramatic spectacle: eight Bitcoin wallets from the “Satoshi era” (2009–2011) awoke from a 14-year slumber, moving 80,000 BTC with the subtlety of a Victorian ghost at a garden party. Each wallet, holding 10,000 BTC, sent shockwaves through the crypto world, as if someone had shouted “Quantum threat!” in a library.

According to a recent filing with the Office of the Maine Attorney General, an unauthorized intruder managed to breach the company’s server, a digital fortress that was supposed to be impenetrable. This breach, which occurred on or around August 25th, 2024, has exposed the sensitive personal data of customers and employees alike. The number of affected individuals? A staggering 68,587. Imagine a small city of people suddenly finding their most private information floating in the digital ether, like leaves in the wind, vulnerable to the whims of the unscrupulous.

But wait! Amid all the *groans*, a few ‘Made in USA’ tokens are standing tall—like that one uncle who still believes he can dance—defying the droop and catching some eyes. Here’s the inside scoop on three altcoins that might just surprise you this month, or at least give you something to stalk on your phone between memes.