qfx Ethereum (ETH) fared worse, its 2% drop a cruel joke. Ripple (XRP) and Solana (SOL) joined the dance of despair, while Dogecoin (DOGE) and Cardano (ADA) wept in unison. 🙀 The market’s heart is a tempest, and all coins are but leaves in the storm. 🌩️
This cunning maneuver emerged from an updated S-1 filing. As Crypto In America’s ever-astute host Eleanor Terrett reported, Canary has erased the infamous “delaying amendment” from their filings-an amendment that previously handed the SEC the power to determine when the registration would take effect. Now, without this amendment, the registration could automatically become effective after the statutory 20-day waiting period, unless the SEC decides to throw a wrench in the gears. No pressure, SEC. 😉
Once the crown jewel of India’s crypto kingdom, WazirX had fallen into a slumber after a $230 million hack in July 2024. A multi-signature wallet, managed by the ever-so-trustworthy Liminal, was compromised. Thousands of accounts froze faster than a Gogol protagonist’s heart in winter. “Fear not!” cried the exchange, “Your funds are safe during our grand ‘restructuring and verification process.'” 🧊💔
Amid the disputes swirling like a Dostoevskian fever dream, where false prophets are unmasked, and curious buyers flock like souls seeking redemption, perchance absorbing the sell pressure and igniting a rebound-ah, the sweet mockery of greed’s illusions. 🙄
Meanwhile, South Korea’s beloved crypto altar, Upbit, now resembles a ghost town after the carnival left town: trading volumes have slumped 12.8%, a mere flesh wound in the grand scheme of financial melodrama. 🩸
Yet, this same nation, which once celebrated the arrival of the British Raj with a mix of awe and dread, now imposes rules so onerous, one might think crypto is a plague of locusts rather than a beacon of progress. The numbers, oh the numbers! A survey of 9,000 souls revealed 84% believe these policies are as fair as a crocodile in a courtroom. 🐊⚖️
Some Keener-than-thou experts-like Dr. Altcoin, who apparently moonlights as a crystal ball reader-think that Pi could go all Bitcoin on us and skyrocket over the next five years. Because nothing screams stability like a crypto that’s still trying to find its shoes. 🚶♂️
In Tuesday’s trading, XRP slipped below the $2.50 support, falling 5% to $2.47 as institutional selling pressure came to a head. The breach marked the end of weeks of careful consolidation, as volume surged and chart patterns lined up to usher in what can only be called a delightful correction phase.
“Our altcoin model remains steadfast-short Ether, long Bitcoin,” trilled Markus Thielen of 10x Research, as though he’d discovered the secret to eternal youth.
The company reaffirmed its full-year guidance of $34 billion in operating income and $20 billion in Bitcoin gains, solidifying its position as the world’s largest corporate Bitcoin holder. Or, as the ancient Romans would say, “Sic transit gloria mundi” – but with more zeroes. 💸
