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A young scholar, one Maartunn (a name which, I confess, does not immediately evoke images of profound economic wisdom), has observed a peculiar phenomenon. He has scrutinized what he calls the “Coinbase Premium Gap” – a rather ungainly phrase, but one which apparently measures the difference in price between Bitcoin traded on the American exchange, Coinbase, and the more cosmopolitan Binance. It seems, the good Maartunn posits, that the Americans are willing to pay a little *more* for their Bitcoin than those worldly traders over at Binance. A curious display of patriotic fervor, perhaps? Or simply a reflection of deeper pockets?

Witness the fervor! In that brief window suspended above the abyss, Qubic-relentless and somewhat melodramatic-mined no less than 80% of Monero’s blocks. That’s 750 XMR, not to mention a comically oversized stash of 7 million XTM. The rewards rained down with all the subtlety of a Dostoevskian confession in a dim Petersburg alleyway.

According to their August 14, 2025 press release, they also slapped A7 LLC, the brainchild behind this masterpiece, onto the Specially Designated Nationals list. Because, you know, nothing says “we mean business” like a bureaucratic blacklist. 📜🔨

The outfit hunkers down in New York City where the rent is high and the morals negotiable. They’ll safeguard your digital doubloons, let you trade ’em, and even pay you pretend interest if you agree to lock ’em up tighter than Aunt Polly’s jam closet. Revenue for the first half of the year tallied up to $67.9 million-sounds mighty fine till you notice the hole in the bucket is $282.5 million wide. That’s not a leak, that’s Niagara Falls with a funnel.

In the past week alone, the U.S. spot ETH ETFs have strutted their stuff with a record $17 billion in traded volume. If this momentum persists-and oh, how the heart yearns for such drama-last month’s paltry $5.43 billion net inflow shall be but a distant memory, a footnote in the grand saga of greed and ambition. 🤑✨

HIVE’s Bitcoin mining venture, that stalwart of industry, clucked its way to $40.8 million-a 44.9% leap, no less! Their hashrate, that elusive siren of the digital seas, swelled from 5.9 EH/s to 8.7 EH/s. 🌊⛏️ How quaint! They mined 406 Bitcoins, a 34% increase, despite the network’s difficulty throwing a tantrum like a spoiled aristocrat. 🧐

But hold onto your hats, because things get even nuttier! We meet Wendy, a tiny girl with a big brain uploaded into a shiny synthetic body – think Battle Angel Alita holding hands with Peter Pan. Wendy’s crew is a band of cyberpunk Lost Boys and Girls who can leap off skyscrapers, and she-oh, she’s played by Sydney Chandler-can flip from sweet innocence to “I just sliced an alien’s jaw off because I felt like it” faster than you can say “cyber-sword.” And her chums? Borrowing names straight out of Neverland, including our unfortunate hero, Smee. The mastermind? Boy Kavalier, a barefoot tech boss with dreams of eternal digital life – part Elon Musk, part caffeinated Bond villain, all chaos. 🍹🤖

According to the ever-reliable Financial Times, American Bitcoin has its sights set on Japan and possibly Hong Kong. Why? Because they want to emulate the success of Strategy, the Michael Saylor-led juggernaut that currently holds a staggering 628,946 BTC-worth a cool $73.8 billion at the time of writing. That’s more money than most of us will see in a thousand lifetimes. 🚀

Yet beware: RSI, that neurotic nurse, flutters at 69.7 (nice), screaming, “We’re so overbought I’m seeing double!” Every time she shrieks, a bull turns into a rug-pull meme. 🍌

Now, all the crypto shenanigans-stablecoins, tokenized securities, API bank-non-bank speed dating-will just be smeared across the usual roll of regulatory parchment. Because why bother with a dedicated program when you can just call it “business as usual” and hope it all doesn’t go sideways during lunch?