Bitcoin to $1M? Institutions, Scarcity, and Debt Say Yes! 🚀💰

Bitcoin (BTC), that elusive phoenix of the digital age, may be poised for another grand leap, according to the soothsayers at Bitwise Asset Management. Over the next decade, they proclaim, BTC will outshine every major asset, with a compound annual growth rate of 28.3%. In a 24-page manifesto, Bitwise reveals its sacred thesis: institutional demand, limited supply, and the creeping dread of fiat money debasement. How Dostoevskian! 🖋️

Will JPMorgan’s Half-Billion Bet on Numerai Revolutionize Hedge Funds? 🤖💸

This allocation, to be dispensed over the next year, may well represent one of the largest endorsements of Numerai’s peculiar approach-a blend of machine learning, crowdsourced trading models, and blockchain technology. Imagine, if you will, a grand assembly where data scientists and quants stand in for debutantes, each vying for attention with their predictive prowess. The hedge fund suffered a setback in 2023, losing 17%, but rebounded dramatically in 2024 with returns exceeding 25%. One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from investors who had been holding their breath like anxious chaperones at said assembly.

Ether ETFs Go Wild: $455M Inflows Dwarf Bitcoin’s $88M!

Ether ETFs are on a tear, refusing to let up. Tuesday, Aug. 26, saw the fourth consecutive day of inflows, with investors shoving $455 million into ether products. This is like a high school football team running up the score against a rival-except the rival here is bitcoin ETFs, which are just trying to keep up.

Will Stellar (XLM) Dance Back to $0.50? The September Spectacle Awaits! 💃✨

According to the ever-reliable Cryptorank, Stellar has a charming average growth rate of 3.08% in September. Quite the transformation from its current state of dramatic decline, wouldn’t you agree? Last year, it closed September with a delightful 6.24% growth. If history is any guide, we might just witness a repeat performance that would make even the most seasoned showbiz star green with envy!