qfx

Over four months-yes, just FOUR-they compounded every gain into a single Ether (ETH) long position, eventually controlling more than $303 million worth of exposure. At its peak? Their equity hit $43 million. That’s enough to buy a small island or fund your own space program. But when the market started doing what markets do best-reversing like an overeager canoeist-they closed the trade entirely, walking away with $6.86 million in cold, hard profit. Not bad for someone who could’ve been flipping burgers instead.

Buterin, with the air of a man who has seen too many moons, proclaimed that cheap stablecoin transactions are the unsung heroes of crypto’s real-world utility. 🌍💼 He suggests, with a wink and a nod, that these digital darlings are the lifeblood of cross-border remittances and payments, the very glue holding the crypto circus together. Without them, he implies, we’d all be juggling NFTs and meme coins in a clown car headed for the abyss.

Santiment data paints a bleak picture: Dogecoin whales, those behemoths with 10 million to 100 million DOGE, are fleeing like frightened rabbits. Their holdings have dwindled since July 19, when they commanded 16.85% of the total supply. Now, they’re down to 16%, a drop as subtle as a whisper in a hurricane. 🐺📉

Per CoinMarketCap’s latest episode of “Crypto Price Volatility,” ADA soared 3% after a technical breakout so bold, it makes a superhero’s origin story look tame. Large holders and ETF speculators (read: mystery whales 🐳) are allegedly fueling this rally, pushing ADA toward its $0.90 dream. If it hits that mark, its market cap could leap from $30.12B to $32.1B-enough to flip TRX, which is currently sitting at $32.06B like a smug toddler with a juice box.

Bitcoin, that fickle lover, dances to the tune of US jobs data, only to fall beneath $111,000 with the grace of a drunk ballerina 🧙‍♂️.

XRP reserves on Binance have climbed to 3.58 billion tokens, a 12-month peak. This is akin to a squirrel hoarding acorns, but with more cryptocurrency and fewer nuts. 🐿️

On the fine, fine day of September 5 (mark it on your calendars, people), the FSC unveiled its new master plan to get crypto lending under control. It’s like a set of rules for a game no one actually wanted to play. Exchanges, through their self-regulation squad-DAXA-have now been told to stop offering leveraged loans and cap those sweet interest rates at 20%. All this comes after a month of regulators breathing down their necks like overzealous parent chaperones. 😬

Turns out, the victim was found tied up in a house near the TGV station, probably wondering if he’d accidentally wandered into a bad spy movie. The seven suspects? They’re now enjoying a not-so-luxurious stay courtesy of the Lyon Interregional Specialized Jurisdiction (JIRS). Charges include everything from kidnapping to extortion-basically, a criminal buffet. 🍴

Now, here’s where things get comical-or sinister, depending on your mood. These bitcoins didn’t just leap out willy-nilly; oh no, they were neatly bundled into tidy parcels of roughly 150 BTC each ($16 million per package, if you’re counting). It’s almost as if someone took Marie Kondo’s advice to heart: “Does this transaction spark joy? Yes? Then fold it into a neat little stack.” 🧺💰 One stray parcel of 121 BTC was left behind, presumably because even billionaires forget their lunchboxes sometimes.

Breakout, you see, was a circus of sorts, where traders-armed with nothing but their wits and a borrowed $100,000 (or $200,000 if they juggled multiple accounts!)-could strut their stuff. No need for vulgar personal funds here! Simply pass a test of nerve and cunning, akin to a medieval trial by fire, and voilà: a funded account materializes! Keep 90% of the profits, they said, as if generosity were a virtue in the snakepit of crypto. 🐍