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Ah, let us not forget the good old days when the market was a boisterous tavern, where retail investors jostled elbows and the coins would pirouette wildly, to the merriment (and occasional heartbreak) of all. Alas, ancien régime is no more—no longer do altcoins twirl so merrily, nor Bitcoin leap so brazenly; the institutions, those grave and powdered wigs, have stormed the dancefloor. Retail, meanwhile, has retreated, perhaps to the back room, to consult their dwindling fortunes and cheaper wine. 🍷

Schiff’s new legislative opus, the COIN Act (Curbing Officials’ Income and Nondisclosure), straight-up bans presidents, veeps, their assorted cabinet friends, and their families from launching or shilling crypto coins, NFTs, or that hot new dog-themed memecoin—at least while they’re in office. Oh, and you’d better not try to sneak in any last-minute altcoin shenanigans on your way out, because he’s slapped a “no profiteering” grace period on either end of your public service. Because, you know, nobody loves a goodbye scam.