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Turns out, all those old-school compliance things are a total pain in the arse. 😫 They’re slow, expensive, and basically just a giant money pit. Billions of dollars, gone! Poof! 💨

In a recent episode of the TechnicalRoundup podcast, the enigmatic crypto trader known as DonAlt (because who needs a real name when you can have a cool online handle?) suggests that the most favorable outcomes for ETH at the moment involve either trading sideways or making a dramatic upward surge followed by a modest retreat. How exciting!

In a mere handful of days, the Altcoin Season Index has leaped from 39 to 51—a feverish ascent, though still shy of the delirious heights of 75, where true madness reigns. ETH, that proud prima donna, has soared to $3,793, a pinnacle unseen since the halcyon days of early 2022. And DOGE, the court jester of the crypto circus, has stolen the show with a 9% surge, capping a 32% weekly romp. Bravo, little clown! 🎭🐕

BTC’s price wobbles like a drunk on a tightrope after hitting $123,000, leaving traders twitching nervously over liquidation woes. Who knew holding digital treasure could be so nail-biting? 😅

The video itself is a relic from 2018, recorded during a Senate Banking Committee hearing on crypto—a time when Bitcoin was still the wild west of finance, and nobody really knew how to pronounce “blockchain” without tripping over their tongues. Van Valkenburgh, with the calm demeanor of a schoolteacher explaining fractions, tells lawmakers that Bitcoin is “the world’s first public digital payments infrastructure.” He goes on to say it lets you send and receive value across the globe using nothing more than a computer and an internet connection. Oh, and he throws in a little cherry on top by calling Bitcoin a “computer-science breakthrough” comparable to the birth of the internet. 🌐✨

The Telegraph, our dear friend in the world of breaking news, has whispered that the Home Office, in a grand alliance with the police, is plotting to offload a staggering $6.7 billion worth of confiscated digital assets, primarily Bitcoin. This clandestine operation, with the Treasury watching like a hawk, promises to bring in a much-needed windfall. 💰

But wait, there’s more! (Isn’t there always?) Let’s break this down like a clumsy intern tasked with assembling IKEA furniture.

The past week scrawled its tale across the economy’s parchment, revealing a modest heartbeat—retail sales are rising like the morning sun, and jobless claims tumble down like a spent poker chip. Even the CPI and PPI reports whisper mild tales of price stability, as if they too are players in this unpredictable game.

Now, you may have heard whispers that the 4-year cycle of Bitcoin, a tradition as ancient as the hills, had been shattered into a million pieces. This cycle, dear reader, is tied to the mystical halving events, where every four years, the block rewards for miners are cut in half, leading to much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. However, these halvings are not just about the miners; they’re the heralds of a new bull market, much like the arrival of spring after a long, cold winter.

Litecoin [LTC], bless its little heart, has managed a rather spirited 42.4% rally in a mere month. Quite the show, wouldn’t you agree? Bitcoin [BTC] and Ethereum [ETH] have also been putting on airs, up 14.6% and 56% respectively. Ethereum’s recent exuberance has certainly injected a bit of misplaced confidence into the altcoin market. Heavens, the market cap is hovering around $1.5 trillion—a tidy $401 billion (36%) added since June 20th. Rather vulgar, really. 💸