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A wallet associated with LuBian, a Bitcoin mining pool that got hacked in 2020 like it was the weakest link on a Monday night, moved BTC on Wednesday, ending three years of being dormant as a doorknob. 🤡

Governor Gavin Newsom, in a moment of rare clarity, signed Senate Bill 822 (SB822) into law, declaring that crypto assets are not to be treated like loose change found in a couch cushion. 🛋️💸 No, these intangible treasures, these digital relics of the modern age, shall be preserved in their original form, untouched by the greedy hands of automatic liquidation. Senator Josh Becker, the bill’s sponsor, must be basking in the glow of his triumph, though one wonders if he truly understands the labyrinthine depths of the crypto world he has dared to navigate. 🧐

Beyond the glittering shards of individual cryptocurrencies, the company dares to dabble in the fates of stocks such as COIN, CRCL, GOOGL, and MSTR-each a pawn in a grander chess game of market whimsy. One might ask, “Why not 6x?” But let us not spoil the party with questions.

Yes, during a recent podcast that no one will ever accuse of being *too* dramatic, Morehead admitted he once looked at Saylor’s strategy the way most of us look at a flat Earth map: with utter confusion. “Wait, you’re telling me companies are stuffing their balance sheets with Bitcoin and making billions? Like, intentionally?”

In another scene of cautionary despair, XRP affirms its union with Bitcoin in a death cross-an ominous convergence much like the infamous Siberian crossroads. The XRP now languishes at 0.00002247 BTC. Behold the price: XRP sits quietly at $2.49 as Bitcoin demonstrates its cryptic $111,000 composure.

This audacious maneuver could usher in an era where Americans’ retirement savings are no longer confined to the predictable drudgery of stocks and bonds, but instead dabble in the chaotic, ever-shifting realm of digital assets. The bill, a mere page long, seeks to transform a fleeting executive order into an ironclad federal law, as if the fate of the nation hinges on whether Bitcoin can be tucked into a 401(k).

Between October 10-11, XRP convulsed on Binance as though torn by the fates themselves, shedding 54% in a single candle-a feat that would make even the most stoic trader weep for liquid silk. The liquidation of a million positions, dear reader, was no mere storm but a deluge. A day’s worth of hubris dissolved into a $19.3 billion elegy. The blame, first, danced to the tune of President Trump’s tariffs-a 100% levy on Chinese tech, which rattled the delicate nerves of global commerce. But let us not mistake theatre for truth. The deeper wound bled from Binance’s “Unified Account” system, its flaw a veritable Promethean spark for the coming inferno. 🌪️🔥

The new office, the first of its kind in the United States (a distinction about as meaningful as being the tallest man in a kindergarten class), promises to “promote responsible blockchain innovation,” attract talent, and bolster New York’s status as a hub of financial technology. Or perhaps it will simply attract men in hoodies who talk about “decentralization” while sipping $18 almond milk lattes. Time, that eternal jester, will tell.

Ver, a pioneer who got Bitcoin off the ground faster than most of us get out of bed on a Monday, has agreed to fork over up to $49.9 million to resolve US tax evasion and mail fraud charges, according to the DOJ – because apparently, blockchain can’t hide everything forever. The agreement is like a “please don’t send me to Alcatraz” card, kicking the can down the road with some serious cash. ⏳💰

Following months of litigation, GXD Labs, an affiliate of Atlas Grove Partners, and VanEck, which manages approximately $161.7 billion in assets, finalized the agreement through the BRIC, which has been overseeing recovery operations in the Celsius estate since January 2024. 🤡✨