Arthur Hayes’ Crypto ‘Picks and Shovels’ Fund: A Wild Gamble or Genius?

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Arthur Hayes, that paragon of crypto cunning and co-founder of BitMEX, is now embarking on a new venture that would make even the most stoic of financiers raise an eyebrow.

Maelstrom Equity Fund I, a private equity endeavor so audacious it could only be conceived by a man who’s spent more time in the crypto trenches than a Victorian gentleman in a rainstorm, aims to raise a staggering $250 million. This sum, if invested wisely (or not), could buy a small island, a few crypto startups, or a lifetime supply of existential dread. Bloomberg, that paragon of journalistic integrity, first reported the scheme, while the fund itself, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, plans to acquire six “profitable” firms-presumably ones that don’t require a PhD in blockchain to understand. The fund promises exits so straightforward, even a goldfish could grasp them-no stock options, no earn-outs, just cash. A marvel of modern finance, if you ignore the fact that it’s all built on the shaky foundation of cryptocurrency, which is as stable as a house of cards in a hurricane. Hayes and his allies, ever the optimists, hope these firms will one day be snapped up by titans like Robinhood, Charles Schwab, or X. One can only imagine the chaos that would ensue.

The initiative, a response to the traditional finance world’s perennial struggle to engage with crypto without risking their sanity, is led by Hayes, a man whose name is as synonymous with crypto as a teapot is with tea. Joining him are Akshat Shrivastava, former head of M&A at BitMEX (a role that likely involves more coffee than actual mergers), and Adam Schlegel, who once worked at Haveli Investments, a firm so wealthy it could fund a small war. Three more hires, presumably with degrees in “financial intuition,” are on the horizon. Announced on October 17, 2025, the fund remains in its fundraising phase, which, in layman’s terms, means it’s still trying to convince investors that this isn’t a scam. 🧰💰

FAQ 💡

  • What is Maelstrom Equity Fund I?
    It’s Arthur Hayes’ new private equity fund, aiming to raise at least $250 million for crypto industry acquisitions. Or, as I like to call it, “The Great Crypto Heist, Part II.”
  • Who is behind the fund?
    The fund is led by Arthur Hayes, Akshat Shrivastava, and Adam Schlegel. A triumvirate so formidable, even the IRS would think twice before knocking on their door.
  • What types of companies will Maelstrom target?
    It plans to buy profitable infrastructure and analytics firms serving the crypto sector. Because nothing says “sustainability” like funding a company that’s basically a glorified spreadsheet.
  • When was the fund announced?
    The announcement was made public on Oct. 17, 2025. A date so recent, it’s still wearing its Halloween costume.

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2025-10-18 19:57