AI Robots Steal Jobs, Stocks Plummet – Even Gold Can’t Save Us Now!

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What to know:

  • Anthropic declared war on COBOL, sending IBM’s stock into a tailspin faster than a chocolate factory mouse dodging a truffle-hunting cat.
  • Crypto’s latest tantrum saw Bitcoin shrink to $64,000, proving even digital money can’t escape a meltdown over a cup of tea.

The world’s markets trembled Monday as AI, that mischievous gremlin in a lab coat, continued its crusade against jobs humans once held dear. IBM, the old fogey of tech, found itself on the receiving end of a cold splash from Anthropic’s Claude Code, which promised to automate COBOL modernization like a magician turning rabbits into spreadsheets.

“COBOL [Common Business-Oriented Language] is everywhere,” sneered Anthropic, as if boasting about a particularly stubborn mold. “It handles 95% of ATM transactions in the U.S.-which is just lovely, until you realize the coders who built it retired to Florida and left behind a cryptic note: ‘Don’t forget the sunscreen.’”

“Finding engineers who can read COBOL is harder than finding a vegan in a steakhouse,” they added, with the smugness of someone who’s just invented a self-cleaning keyboard. “Modernizing these systems once required armies of consultants-IBM’s favorite kind of army, it seems.”

And so, IBM’s stock plummeted 11.2%, a fall so steep it could’ve qualified for a skydiving medal. Meanwhile, the Dow, S&P 500, and Nasdaq all joined the party, each dropping over 1% like they’d all been told to sit down during a standing ovation.

“These are pivotal times,” wrote The Kobeissi Letter, which is just a fancy way of saying, “We’re all going to die in a fire of our own making.”

Crypto, ever the drama queen, followed suit. Bitcoin slumped to $64,000, while Ether and Solana groaned in unison. Coinbase, MSTR, and others danced a waltz of despair, their shares sinking faster than a soufflé in a puddle.

But not all was bleak! Bitcoin miners, now moonlighting as AI babysitters, saw their stocks rise like a well-baked cake. IREN leapt 5%, Cipher Mining 3.4%, and Hut 8 gained 0.7%-proof that even in chaos, someone’s always got a plan (or a very expensive calculator).

Gold, that old reliable, tried to shine at $5,243 an ounce, while silver sparkled at $87.69. But let’s be honest-neither could outshine the sheer absurdity of this week’s financial circus.

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2026-02-23 23:29