OMG Palantir Hit $1B! Will Our Crypto AI Crushes Be Next? 🚨🔥

Right, so picture this: Tuesday morning, eyes crusty from too much oat-milk flat-white and not enough sleep, scrolling through the news while pretending to be in a stand-up that could literally have been an email. And wham! Palantir (yes, the one that sounds like a Tolkien doorbell) announces it is now officially rolling in more money than Scrooge McDuck after inheriting Jeff Bezos’ couch change.

Forty-eight percent sales jump, FYI-that’s not a typo; that’s the universe handing out fiscal high-fives. Analysts were hoping for a humble $940 million because apparently analysts still believe in “realistic.” Meanwhile Palantir’s accountants are over there like, “Hold my kombucha-here’s $1 billion and counting.”

everybody and their mother is buying algorithmic brainpower before the singularity starts charging Uber-surge prices.

And-plot twist-the U.S. Army just popped up on Slack: “Hey, fancy a casual $10-billion, decade-long subscription?” If that actually happens, Palantir could upgrade from “financially comfortable” to “buying islands on Pinterest just for the aesthetic” status. On August 5, the stock itself did a little hop of 4.14% and pre-market sprinted to $168. My Fitbit logged the same heart-rate spike when I spotted a two-for-one croissant sale, so I feel them.

Not content with one forecast bump, Palantir second-bumped its yearly revenue guess to $4.14-$4.15 billion. Reuters insists the bigger wave of demand is still incoming from every governmental acronym plus private corporations binge-watching TED Talks titled “Why We Desperately Need an AI.”

AI is booming-will crypto ride shotgun or be left on read?

The moment the $1-billion number dropped, the AI-crypto market cap did a polite golf clap and inched up 1%. Total value: $27.8 billion, which sounds large until you remember Apple’s cash on hand is basically the GDP of France, but still . Within that mini boomlet, AI agents (the ones who actually remember your birthday) surged 1.91%. Over the whole month, AI tokens have ballooned 24% to flirt with $30 billion like it’s the cute barista.

For context, all crypto combined is a casual $3.9 trillion. AI tokens currently sit at 0.8-0.9% of that, which is like being the one vegan at a Texas barbecue: noticeable, slightly awkward, but increasingly popular. July 5 to August 5 alone saw AI Apps jump 33.32%-basically doing burpees while everyone else is just stretching-and Bittensor Subnets tagged along, rising 26.68% because peer pressure is real even on blockchains.

AI Agent land tacked on 3.82% to hit $6.12 billion. Launchpads-yes, places that launch AI agents, not a NASA side hustle-added 1.75% to $3.53 billion. Bottom line: the whole sector is doing that thing where you pretend you’re not checking your phone every two minutes but totally are.

Now, the tokens that apparently read the memo:

Rising Tokens, Rising Eyebrows

Mamo

Mamo’s price tag is $0.16, daily volume is $11.8 million, and market cap is $53 million, aka the cost of three Central London parking permits. It peaked at $0.18 mid-July and is currently chilling 15% off its Everest. Over the past month it’s up 170%, because apparently “DeFi automation” is the new black. If it keeps climbing, I’ll start introducing myself as “Blockchain Bridget Jones,” because why not.

NEAR Protocol

NEAR’s been lifting; price is up 18.6% month-over-month, hit $3.04 mid-July, and right now sits around $2.50-still up 18.2% because consistency is sexy. If it cracks $3 again, resistance at $3 becomes less “resistance” and more “welcome mat.” Analysts are basically writing “Dear Diary, if NEAR reaches a new high I’ll delete Tinder.”

Bittensor

Bittensor (TAO) trades like a toddler on espresso: between $330 and $440. Currently $351, down 1.4%, but who’s counting when you’re the poster child for decentralized machine learning? If it claws back above $400, the next stop could be $480-$500, which is roughly the price of a single therapy session in New York, so same vibe.

In conclusion: Palantir just proved you can monetize “spooky math,” crypto AI is trying not to trip over its own shoelaces while sprinting after the bandwagon, and somewhere a VC is googling “Is my FOMO taxable?”

Meanwhile the rest of us are refreshing portfolio apps like it’s a group chat and wondering if buying Mamo right now counts as a personality trait.