Goldman Sachs Says Stock Market Will Soar—But First, a Bumpy Ride! 🚀💸

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In a world where financial services giants like Goldman Sachs strut about like peacocks in a tuxedo, they’ve decided to predict a stock market rally that’s as inevitable as a cat knocking over a glass of water. Yes, folks, the global economy is apparently looking as rosy as a freshly polished apple, and who wouldn’t want a bite of that?

In a recent tête-à-tête on the Goldman Sachs YouTube channel (because where else would you go for your financial advice?), Anshul Sehgal, the bank’s co-head of fixed income, currency, and commodities—because apparently, “head of everything” was already taken—proclaimed that the future is as bright as a neon sign in a dark alley. Tailwinds from the US, China, and Germany are apparently blowing in the right direction, which is good news unless you’re a kite.

“By 2026, we’re seeing nothing but good news for the global economy,” he said, with the kind of optimism usually reserved for people who just found a twenty-dollar bill in an old coat pocket. “Germany is fiscally expanding because of defense, and [Trump’s] big beautiful bill has potential—especially when combined with AI and robotics, which could unleash a credit boom that makes the Gold Rush look like a bake sale.”

“And let’s not forget China, which is clinging to its AI and robotics throne like a toddler with a cookie. They’re expanding in both credit and fiscal terms, which means we’re in for some serious asset price appreciation. Just don’t ask how we got here; it’s a long story involving a lot of spreadsheets and possibly a few magic beans.”

But wait! There’s a catch, because what’s a financial forecast without a little drama? Sehgal warns that tariffs might throw a spanner in the works, creating a one-time setback that’s about as welcome as a mosquito at a picnic. “In the very near term, tariffs are like that unexpected bill that shows up just when you thought you were in the clear. We’re talking about $250 billion to $300 billion annualized—about 1% of GDP, which is a non-trivial amount, unless you’re a billionaire, in which case it’s just pocket change.”

“If corporations absorb the losses, stocks might take a hit. If consumers take the hit, well, let’s just say it could impact consumption in the near term. But don’t worry! It’s just a one-time tax, like that awkward family reunion you have to attend every few years. Once it’s factored in, and with the bonus depreciation from the big beautiful bill, plus social security tax benefits and lower taxes on tips, we’re looking at a powerful combination for the US economy.”

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2025-08-04 10:02