Dearest reader, one finds oneself beset on all sides by headlines of breathtaking triviality and incomprehensible financial jargon. Are you seated? Good. One wouldn’t want a swoon brought on by volatility—though some call it ‘opportunity’—within the ever-scintillating crypto world. 😏
Bulls and bears alike, don your finest velvet smoking jacket and prepare to front-run this week’s dazzling developments. The markets swing, darling, and so must you.
Kaito Capital’s Token Soiree: A Launchpad for the Daring
Among this parade of significance, Kaito intends to unveil a capital launchpad so momentous, one might mistake it for the second coming of P.T. Barnum. Yu Hu, a man presumably unacquainted with modesty, assures us that stakers are in for a treat. ‘Revenue growth,’ he declares—because apparently, champagne fountains and caviar bumps were too passé for 2025.
will publish Q2 recap and Q3 outlook in early July
– Q2 was the biggest Q ever for Kaito
– Q3 we shall see the introduction of new products, new distribution, and new mechanisms of existing productsstay tuned for
– capital launchpad
– relaunch of Kaito Connect (new…— Yu Hu (@Punk9277) July 2, 2025
The cleverest amongst us plan to stake KAITO tokens, thus receiving rewards—ideally not denominated in previously-redeemed frequent flyer miles. Alas, those arriving after the infamous airdrop may find their wallets lighter than their optimism. Never fear: what’s “inclusive” in crypto, if not the return of last season’s airdrops for the latecomers? 🎩
In fact, persuading these poor, tokenless souls to partake (with an airdrop, naturally) would be the civilised thing to do. The more, the merrier—provided they agree to the dress code.
New Yapper Leaderboards are cool but,
Just me waiting patiently everyday for @KaitoAI’s Capital Launchpad and new Kaito Connect to drop.
Kaito-Aligned
— vanxyrus (@0xVanxyrus) July 7, 2025
For investors who gaze at green candles as if they were invitations to ascot: the KAITO token currently traipses about at $1.53, down a negligibly tragic 0.41%. I’ve seen soufflés collapse more dramatically.
Senate: To Be or Not To Be—A Commodity?
Elsewhere in the echoing halls of power, the US Senate is scheduled to discuss the existential crisis of tokens such as XRP. Are they commodities—or merely suggestions? Lo, on July 9, a cacophony of senatorial wisdom shall descend upon Washington.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS:This July 9, the Senate takes up the question: can tokens like XRP be officially recognized as digital commodities?
A critical turning point, if greenlit, it could open the floodgates for altcoin spot ETFs before year’s end.
Posted in collab with the CoinEx…
— Formanite (@formanite602) July 6, 2025
Should the Senate bestow their benediction and call tokens ‘commodities,’ prepare for the gates of Wall Street to swing wide—ushering in newly-minted altcoin ETFs. At last! A method for your cousin, the “investment expert,” to lose even bigger sums in regulated fashion. 🏦
Solana, meanwhile, is plodding after its own ETF dreams, reminded by the SEC (with all the warmth of a frosty handshake) that regulatory boxes adore being ticked. AML, KYC—alphabet soup for the ambitious project.
VanEck’s Mathew Sigel boldly argues that what’s good enough for ETH should satisfy SOL. I, for one, await the cascading logic that will secure dog memes their own exchange-traded future.
Trump’s Tariff Tango: The Sequel
On the global stage, a new act unfolds: the end of Trump’s 90-day tariff hiatus. In May, the US and China passive-aggressively agreed to pause their trade spat, slashing tariffs as generously as reality allowed (an eye-watering 115%!)
The US and China have reached a trade agreement on a 90-day pause:
Both countries will cut tariffs by 115%
US: 145% 30%
China: 125% 10%Bessent the Benevolent!
— Geiger Capital (@Geiger_Capital) May 12, 2025
Previously, there was another brief ceasefire in April, which shook financial markets much as a toddler shakes a snow globe: with reckless abandon and little comprehension. As the 90 days end, brave souls everywhere watch, breathlessly, to see whether anyone still cares.
If you want to understand how big Trump’s tariff war has failed, just look at what’s now being reported
In April, Trump proudly boasted that “everybody wants to make a deal” and it was possible for 90 deals in 90 days.
The reality? Over 100 countries didn’t even bother to…
— Cyrus Janssen (@thecyrusjanssen) July 6, 2025
Will new trade penalties stir the markets? Thus far, the world’s investors have yawned, sipped their afternoon tea, and contemplated whether tariffs are little more than performance art. 🎭
FOMC Minutes & The IRS: Lights, Camera, Crypto!
The curtain rises on two more spectacles: the FOMC minutes (riveting interval entertainment) and a House hearing to tax your favourite tokens. The House wishes to engrave into American law a framework for Bitcoin—presumably one with gold leaf and a dramatic Latin motto.
Ripple’s CEO, Brad Garlinghouse, will be holding forth before the Senate Banking Committee. One imagines senators listening, rapt, or at least trying not to tweet during the testimony.
Will this session finally catapult crypto into the hallowed halls of institutional capital? Or will it merely provide fodder for satirists, columnists, and that distant uncle who bought Dogecoin at the top? Stay tuned; the second act promises fireworks. 🎇
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2025-07-07 16:17