Once upon a financial nightmare, New York Attorney General Letitia James declared: “Comrades, beware! Lax stablecoin bills may flood America’s money-bazaars with bedlam and folly, risking financial markets as surely as a leaky roof welcomes rain.” 🏦☔
Stablecoin Bills: More Holes Than a Bureaucrat’s Socks, Says James
Pacing her government office (perhaps eyeing a portrait of Alexander Hamilton disapproving from the wall), Letitia James scribbled a letter to Congress with a quill dipped generously in sarcasm and ink. The STABLE Act and GENIUS Act, she announced, are as trustworthy as an umbrella made of cheesecloth.
Permit me a moment of candor: These bills rush to stabilize our monetary future, yet forget those tiny details—like actual stability! Consider this your formal invitation to chaos.” 😇💸
Her wisdom? “Shouldn’t we treat stablecoin issuers as banks?” she says, waving her hand in the manner of a czarina singlehandedly solving the Rubik’s Cube of American finance. “Federal Reserve supervision, capital requirements! Audits, window privileges, all those lovely things that banks enjoy (except bring your own coffee, please).” Meanwhile, customer funds should be stashed in vaults so remote even Russian nesting dolls would lose count, and should someone wish to redeem, let it be swift—none of this ‘come back next month’ nonsense.
“And what of the stablecoins that promise interest? Well, let them suffer SEC regulation as securities! If you want risk-free riches, try the lottery like everyone else,” hints James, not unkindly. She recommends wallet holders be authenticated within an inch of their digital lives—so anti-money launderers can’t sneak in through the chimneys. And as for foreign issuers, “If you can’t follow the rules, off you trot!”
The GENIUS Act—because, truly, what could go wrong with an act named for genius—was cobbled together by the Senate on June 17, 2025. It manages to provide both state and federal paths so complex even the Minotaur would hire a guide. The STABLE Act, meanwhile, drags itself through House committees, weighed down by transparency demands and haunted by the ghost of algorithmic coins.
But are either quite right? “Not likely,” winks James from behind her samovar. She cautions that non-bank stablecoin pushers should be banned from the party—unless they can show they help the little guy, courtesy of Community Reinvestment Act strictness. State enforcement power must remain as unstoppable as a Moscow tram (and subpoenas answered faster than a startled goose). “Let’s not forget,” she quips, “to define penalties so well even the dullest speculators can’t miss them.”
“Do take your time, Congress. Write a law that won’t deliver our big beautiful banking system into the arms of chaos—not while the world watches and wonders how we lost our marbles.” 🥒💼
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2025-07-04 06:57