My dear readers, the New York Times has, in its infinite wisdom, spent a whole year attempting to unmask the mysterious Satoshi Nakamoto. And who, pray tell, is their prime suspect? None other than the dashing (if somewhat verbose) Adam Back, 55, CEO of Blockstream. How utterly thrilling!
Back, a British cryptographer with a penchant for hyphens and a flair for the dramatic, has, of course, denied the claim. He attributes the evidence to mere coincidence, darling. How very convenient.
The NYT’s Grand Detective Work
The intrepid John Carreyrou, fresh from his Theranos escapades, spent over a year sifting through Satoshi’s writings and 34,000 mailing list posts. With the help of AI (how modern!), they built a database of 134,308 posts from 620 suspects. Oh, the drama of it all!
Three writing analyses later, and Back emerged as the closest match. Apparently, his hyphenation errors are simply divine-67 out of 325, no less! The second-closest match? A mere 38. How utterly embarrassing for them.
A filtering process, as meticulous as a Coward cocktail party guest list, narrowed the suspects to one. And who should it be but our dear Adam Back, with his British spellings and double-spacing. How very old-school.
The Technical and Behavioral Farce
Back, it seems, outlined every core Bitcoin feature a decade before Satoshi’s whitepaper. How terribly forward-thinking! He even suggested combining Hashcash with b-money, darling. The very essence of Bitcoin, if you will.
And his behavior? Oh, the silence when Bitcoin was announced in 2008! He didn’t comment until 2011, six weeks after Satoshi vanished. How suspiciously convenient. Though, of course, he claims he was part of the 2008 discussion. The NYT found no evidence, but do we believe him? Heavens, no!
Back’s Denial: A Masterclass in Evasion
When confronted by Carreyrou in El Salvador (how exotic!), Back denied being Satoshi. “It’s not me,” he wrote, darling. But oh, the slip! When Carreyrou mentioned Satoshi’s quote about being “better with code than with words,” Back responded as though it were his own. How deliciously telling!
“It’s not me, but I take what you’re saying that this is what the A.I. said with the data. But it’s still not me,” wrote Back in a post. How very circular, don’t you think?
On X (Twitter, darling), Back attributed the overlap to confirmation bias. “I’m not Satoshi,” he declared, “but I was early in laser focus on cryptography and electronic cash.” How modest! Though one wonders, if not Satoshi, why all the fuss?
i’m not satoshi, but I was early in laser focus on the positive societal implications of cryptography, online privacy and electronic cash, hence my ~1992 onwards active interest in applied research on ecash, privacy tech on cypherpunks list which led to hashcash and other ideas.
– Adam Back (@adam3us) April 8, 2026
He also argued that Satoshi’s anonymity benefits Bitcoin. How very noble of him! Though one can’t help but wonder about his 30,000 BTC and that impending SPAC merger. Under U.S. securities law, darling, a confirmed identity could be quite the scandal!
Without a cryptographic signature, the mystery remains. But oh, the theater of it all! Will Back be unmasked, or will Satoshi’s identity remain as elusive as a Coward wit? Only time will tell, darlings.
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2026-04-08 14:06