EU’s $108B “Sorry Not Sorry” Plan to Troll Trump Over Greenland

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Europe‘s about to drop $108 billion worth of “oh no you didn’t” on America over that awkward Greenland thing. 🍿

According to some very serious people at the Financial Times, the EU has crafted the world’s most passive-aggressive breakup letter disguised as trade policy. Their $108 billion (€93 billion for fancy people) retaliation package includes tariffs, market restrictions, and probably some strongly-worded post-it notes after Trump tried to make Greenland his timeshare. Because nothing says “diplomacy” like threatening your allies over frozen dirt. ❄️

The measures were basically Europe’s version of typing out an angry text, deleting it, then angrily typing it again – originally drafted last year but paused because adults briefly pretended to act like adults. Now EU ambassadors are debating whether to send it at 2am after Davos cocktails or wait for a more dignified Tuesday morning. The whole thing reads like a rom-com where America’s the emotionally unavailable boyfriend and Europe’s finally growing a backbone. 💪

❄️ Greenland Drama FAQs (Because Apparently We Need This)

• How much is Europe willing to spend to prove a point? Approximately eleventy billion dollars (ok fine, $108B) – about the cost of 72,000 golden toilets.
• Where’s the petty committee meeting? Davos (for photo ops) and Brussels (for actual work when the cameras leave).
• What’s an anti-coercion instrument? Fancy talk for “we’ll unfriend you on all social platforms AND block your number.”
• Will Europe actually go through with it? That depends – is Merkel making her famous “disappointed mom” face again? 👀

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2026-01-19 10:58