Coinbase’s Big Wednesday Reveal: Will They Drop Crypto or Clowns? 🤡💸

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Oh, look who it is-Coinbase, the self-proclaimed “crypto king of the hill” 🏆, is about to drop some new shenanigans. Per Bloomberg (because anonymous sources always know what they’re talking about), the exchange is days away from unveiling “prediction markets” and “tokenized stocks.” Exciting? Sure. Groundbreaking? Please. We’ve seen this movie before. It ends with everyone holding onto a crypto dog. 🐶

According to Bloomberg (again, because why trust the company when you can trust Bloomberg?), Coinbase plans to “announce” these new features next week. The details? Mysterious. Like a Russian nesting doll of corporate speak. The only thing we do know is that they’re hosting a livestream on Wednesday. Spoiler alert: They’ll probably show a slide titled “The Future of Finance” and then play a loop of a cat wearing a tie. 🐱👔

The news comes a month after tech sleuth Jane Manchun Wong reported Coinbase was building landing pages for tokenized equities and Kalshi-provided prediction markets. Fun fact: The landing pages looked like they were designed by someone who’s never heard of “minimalism.” But hey, if you squint, it kind of looks like a stock ticker. Or a very confused meme. 🤯

Coinbase Joins the “Coalition for Prediction Markets”-Because Why Not?

Bloomberg’s report dropped on the same day Coinbase joined the Coalition for Prediction Markets (CPM), a group so niche it probably meets in a Zoom room with bad Wi-Fi. 🌐 Their mission? To “democratize fact-finding and the seeking of truth,” according to Coinbase’s chief policy officer Faryar Shizad. Translation: “We want to sell you things while pretending we’re doing the Lord’s work.” 🙃

Shizad also mentioned the CPM’s goal to “engage with policymakers.” Which is just a fancy way of saying, “We’ll beg for loopholes while telling you how brave we are.” Brave? Sure. Transparent? Never. 🕵️♂️

Kalshi, the prediction market platform founded by MIT grads who probably calculated the odds of becoming crypto billionaires on a napkin, lets users trade outcomes of real-world events. Like a casino, but with more spreadsheets and less glitter. 🎲📊

Kalshi has become a big deal, with weekly trades hitting about $1 billion. Impressive, unless you’re bad at math-which, let’s be honest, some people are. 😬

Coinbase’s foray into prediction markets comes as the sector experiences a “boom.” Weekly volumes hit a record $4 billion last week-or maybe $3.9 billion. Experts are divided. Some say the numbers are real. Others say it’s just crypto marketers doing backflips in a pool of hype. 🏊♂️

Rival exchanges are playing catch-up. Crypto.com is already on board, teaming up with Trump Media-because nothing says “democratic truth-seeking” like a reality TV star. 🎤 Meanwhile, Gemini (yes, those Winklevoss twins who think they’re still in a Harvard rowing crew) got CFTC approval for prediction markets. Progress! 🚀

We asked Coinbase for comments, but they’re probably too busy counting their tokens to reply. Or maybe they’re just hiding the products in a vault guarded by a dragon. 🐉

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2025-12-12 13:08