Bitcoin’s Uptober Bombshell: Shutdown Shenanigans & Miner Mayhem! 😱

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Oh darling, Bitcoin (BTC) has absolutely legged it into October, laughing in the face of a US government shutdown that’s left poor altcoin ETFs dangling like Bridget Jones’s last pair of decent knickers. 💸

While the markets are popping champagne for this “Uptober” nonsense, the rest of the world’s headlines are more like a bad blind date – full of regulatory catfights and policy experiments gone wrong. Bitter much? 😂

Two shady characters have been pleading guilty in what UK cops are calling the world’s biggest crypto heist, leaving judges scratching their heads over whether victims get today’s Bitcoin goldmine or just what they lost eons ago. Talk about a plot twist!

Brazilian energy firms are practically begging miners to come over for a cuddle to gulp down their excess power, while New York’s lawmakers are slapping on taxes that might just send the whole industry packing to the hills. Prioritizing, anyone?

Over in Europe, stablecoins are getting the cold shoulder from regulators, just as banks and the ECB roll out their own euro fantasies. Ooh, jealousy! 😏

Here’s this week’s gossipy edition of Global Express – buckle up, it’s a wild ride:

US government shutdown puts altcoin ETFs in limbo as Bitcoin enters “Uptober”

Bitcoin shot up like a very persistent date with Harvey Weinstein, breaching $67,000 on Friday during the shutdown’s third day. Bollocks to the US government shutdown everyone – here’s hoping it fuels the world’s biggest cryptocurrency’s famous October glow-up, aka “Uptober.” 🙄

Lawmakers couldn’t agree on funding (shocker!), kicking off this shutdown, but it’s not fazing traditional markets, which are ticking up nicely. Bitcoin, though? It’s surging harder than Bridget’s resolution to quit smoking. (Again.)

This bureaucratic standoff is a particular pain because it’s delaying key US jobs data that investors hoard like my secret chocolate supply. The nonfarm payroll report is a big deal for spotting Fed signals ahead of their next meeting – but hello, more fodder for Bitcoin’s party!

Oh, and Bitcoin’s last October flop was during a 35-day shutdown back in 2018, when it dipped like my spirits on a Monday. Analysts blame the Financial Action Task Force’s virtual asset guidelines for the drag. But since then, six years of October wins – beat that, government! 😉

The shutdown’s likely to snarl the SEC’s review of crypto ETFs, pushing back decisions on Litecoin, Solana, and XRP. Delays upon delays – just what the doctor ordered for suspense. 😒

Brazil wants Bitcoin miners

Crypto miners are getting the red carpet treatment in Brazil, where energy firms see them as the perfect date to mop up all that pesky oversupply. Who knew miners could be heroes? 🦸‍♂️

Reuters says at least half a dozen deals are brewing in plants with up to 70% excess power. Laos is playing the same game, luring miners with hydropower to pay off dam debts. Clever, really – until they’re oversupplied like a bad party mix.

What’s hilarious is Brazil and Laos embracing mining to soak up surplus, while everyone else is booting them out. China’s 2021 ban flushed operations overseas, Thailand raided them for grid mischief, but Brazil’s like, “Come on in, we’re treating you like a spa day!” 🌞

Not so in New York, where Senator Liz Krueger’s bill slaps a clever tiered tax on mining power – from $0.02 per kilowatt-hour for midsizers to $0.05 for big guns, unless you’re 100% renewable. Renewables only, bless. It follows a moratorium that expired last year, and with mining 1 BTC costing over $70,000, this could evict grid-reliant miners faster than a bad breakup. Bye-bye! 👋

Two plead guilty following the world’s largest Bitcoin seizure

Zhimin Qian, the queen of a multibillion-dollar Ponzi scam in China, fessed up in a London court to laundering her ill-gotten gains, including 61,000 BTC worth a fortune now. Her partner Hok Seng Ling joined the guilty parade. Tsk tsk! 👎

Between 2014 and 2017, she fleeced over 128,000 investors via her shady firm before hightailing it to the UK on fake docs. Britain’s finest nabbed her assets in 2018 after sniffing out Ling – the haul: Bitcoin, encrypted gizmos, cash, gold. Biggest seizure ever, they crow, but worth pondering.

That Bitcoin booty is now over $7.24 billion, sparking a debate: Do victims get the current value, or just their original outlay from years back? The High Court might cap payouts at the original 640 million quid ($862 million), leaving $6.4 billion in government hands. Budget deficit relief or legal nightmare? Sounds like a soap opera! 📺

Treasury folks are eyeing it greedily, but warnings of epic lawsuits abound. What a mess – like leaving dirty dishes in the sink for weeks.

Europe cools on private stablecoins while backing digital euro

European brass are giving private digital coins the icy glare while whipping up their own homemade version. Territorial much? ❄️

The European Systemic Risk Board is hinting at banning stablecoins from mixed EU/non-EU firms – not binding, but echoing ECB boss Christine Lagarde’s gripes about financial risks from outsiders. Tether’s USDT got booted from EU platforms for not playing by rules, boosting Circle’s USDC instead. ESRB might turn up the heat on US-based rivals. Drama! 🔥

Meanwhile, nine European banks like ING and UniCredit are teaming up for a euro-tethered stablecoin. Sweet, but who’s invited?

The ECB’s pushing on with its digital euro, inking deals with seven tech wizards for fraud-busting and offline payments. Board member Piero Cipollone reckons mid-2029 launch is “fair.” Let’s hope it’s better than the last app update disaster. 🤞

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2025-10-03 16:54