Tether’s $500B Power Move: Selling 3% for $20B (Yes, Really) 💸🚀

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Markets

What to know:

  • Oh, just a casual $15-20B cash grab for a *mere 3% stake*. No biggie, right? 🤑
  • $500B valuation? That’s like saying “We’re the SpaceX of crypto” but with more questionable math 🧨
  • They made $4.9B profit last quarter. *Only* $4.9B. Must’ve been a Tuesday. 💸

Hold my beer, Bloomberg says Tether’s throwing a *private equity party* and the dress code is “bring a briefcase full of cash.” $15-20B for 3%? Sounds like a Black Friday sale at the world’s sketchiest crypto garage. 🚨

If this goes through, they’ll be valued at half a trillion dollars. Half. Trillion. That’s right up there with “Elon’s Twitter rehab fund” territory. 🚀 Oh, and they’re printing new equity like it’s 2008 and the printer’s on fire. 🔥

USDT’s still the undisputed heavyweight champion of stablecoins ($172B market cap), while USDC’s sitting in second place like a polite golden retriever. 🏆 (Circle: “We went public!” Tether: “lol we own 8.9K BTC”)

Second quarter profits? $4.9B. Reserves? $162.5B. Liabilities? $157.1B. Bitcoin stash? $8.9B. Translation: “We’re fine. Probably.” 🤷♂️

Bloomberg’s sources say talks are “early stage” because of course they are. Nothing screams “solid investment” like “numbers might drop by 90% before signing.” 📉 Pro tip: Their investor data room is open. Bring snacks. 🍿

CoinDesk asked Tether for comment. They replied with a single “lol” emoji. 😂

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2025-09-24 00:33