FTX Promises Billions Back-Because Why Not Trust “This Time”?

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Ah, the grand spectacle of finance unfolds once more! FTX, that marvel of human folly and hubris, dares to proclaim its noble intention to disburse a cool one point six billion dollars to its weary creditors on the close of September’s final day, 2025. One can almost hear the faint laughter of fortune itself, echoing through halls where bankrupt hopes and shattered dreams mingle like old friends. This, dear reader, is but the third act in the tragicomedy of Chapter 11-our theatrical salvation, where lost fortunes feebly claw their way back through the labyrinthine court of reorganization.

(1/3) “Behold, approximately $1.6 billion shall be scattered among those worthy holders of allowed claims-those who have toiled through the trials of paperwork and digital rituals-on this very September 30, 2025,” proclaims the oracle known as @FTX_Official.

One must marvel at the bureaucratic ballet: only those who have dutifully unmasked themselves through the sacred rite of Know Your Customer (KYC), and who have pledged fealty to their appointed financial messengers-BitGo, Kraken, or Payoneer-will receive their long-awaited pittance. Ah yes, the bureaucracy marches on, a slow, ponderous beast with a taste for formality and paperwork.

The Grand Dissection of Distribution

Now, let us peer with scientific detachment at the disbursement theatre. Each creditor class, like actors awaiting their cue, receives a share proportional to their tragic stature. The noble Dotcom Customer Entitlement Claims (Class 5A) will clutch a respectable 78% of their rightful sum-an almost touching gesture in this courtroom opera.

Meanwhile, across the stage, the U.S. Customer Entitlement Claims (Class 5B) bask in the near-complete restoration of 95%-a figure so tantalizingly close, one might suspect a cruel joke played by Fate.

And what of the oft-overlooked General Unsecured and Digital Asset Loan Claims (Classes 6A and 6B)? They too shall rise, with an 85% recovery-a respectable if somewhat bittersweet recompense. Yet, the Convenience Claims (Class 7), presumably the simple souls among them, are granted a stunning 120% return! One might wonder if some cosmic humorist has altered the script to reward the humble with something more than mere justice.

Thus proceeds the solemn dance beneath the cold gaze of the U.S. Bankruptcy Court-an institution where hope and despair entwine eternally, and where the promise of restitution is as much a comedy as a tragedy. Pray, keep your wits about you, for in this labyrinth of ledgers and lawyers, even a billion dollars can feel like a whisper in a tempest.

😏💸

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2025-09-19 23:33