Vietnam’s Crypto Conundrum: Heavy Handed Hilarity Over 5 Years 🚀🚦

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Far in the distant galaxy of Southeast Asia, on a planet Earth that is still stubbornly clinging to its status as “Earth,” Vietnam has decided to embark on a state-run cosmic experiment – crafting, offering, and trading crypto assets under a series of sufficiently draconian regulations. The odyssey starts on September 9, 2025, promising a rollercoaster ride of bureaucratic finesse over the next five years. Or was that five centuries? Time in cosmic terms is flaky, much like space bread.

From the coded missives of this measure, it’s clear that the original creators of these cryptic tokens must hail from a select club. Likewise, those daring enough to set up trading markets must possess the speed of a hyperactive octopus with at least 10,000 billion Vietnamese Dong – intergalactic credit, of course.

Vietnam’s Deputy Prime Minister, Ho Duc Phoc, has imprinted his digital signature on this resolution with a flourish, or at least that’s what the Government Electronic Newspaper of Vietnam claims. Imagine the horror as thousands of disapproving eyebrows rise throughout the cosmos.

Stellar Capital and Institutional Galactic Rules

Organizations aiming to be the stars of this stellar crypto market must wheel and deal through financial black holes. A minimum of 65% of this fictional capital must be secured by major entities, while over 35% is expected to land in the wallets of at least two gnome-like institutions, such as commercial banks, securities companies, or even those elusive cosmic entity groups like tech firms.

Snap! Foreign ownership is politely insulted with a cap of 49%. As for the chosen leaders: the General Director must have at least comically be flexing two years of relevant experience, and the Chief Technology Officer needs a full five.

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Each firm should include, with equal affection, at least ten tech nerds with certified network security training and ten others holding treasured securities practice certificates. The tech systems must achieve interdimensional Level 4 info security standards before they dare open their green eyes.

Asset Reckoning and Galactic Investor Access

For those brave souls launching tokens, fear not without your token being as solid as the Cosmic Cookie of Infinite Indulgences – just not backed by the mundane such as securities or fiat currencies. It’s a liberal interpretation: if you can imagine it, they probably tried to restrict it.

All offerings must be trumpeted at least 15 days in advance with prospectuses, or face the wrath of Truth-And-Time Hypervisor. All the information must be so accurate that even the Audit Droids of the future wouldn’t dare sneeze.

Authorized Intergalactic Services and Cosmic Compliance

Licensed providers, those beacons of bellicose bureaucracy, can dabble in a cornucopia of services like coordinating markets, providing custody for mysterious ‘crypto-assets’, and even indulging in self-trade. They must build comprehensive systems on risk management, AML/CFT checks, and armed with mechanisms to ensure they aren’t inadvertently financing something that could blow up the Universe. Twice.

Trading Stargate Restrictions and Cosmic Penalizations

Domestic investors can be quite travel-happy, zipping through digital trading platforms with zeal. But beware: six months after seeds of these licensed platforms are sown, illegal trades around these space bazaars will unleash an artillery of sanctions or, if you’re particularly unlucky, cosmic prosecution gauntlets, based on the arithmetic of mischief metrics.

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2025-09-10 08:15