Oh God. Crypto’s Having a Wobble. Is It My Fault? 😬

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Right. So the entire crypto market has decided to have a bit of a strop today, like a toddler denied an ice lolly. It’s all gone a bit pear-shaped, apparently because everyone is holding their breath waiting for some man called Jerome Powell to give a speech. At a symposium. In Jackson Hole. Which sounds like a place you’d go for a dreadful team-building exercise involving trust falls. 🥱

  • The crypto market is sulking because of a speech. A SPEECH.
  • Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs are haemorrhaging money like my bank account on a Net-a-Porter sale.
  • BTC has done a “double-top pattern,” which sounds vaguely rude and is apparently very, very bad.

Bitcoin has slumped to a frankly terrifying $112,000, which is a 10% drop and obviously means I am now officially poor. Other things with deeply serious names like Fartcoin (FARTCOIN, for heaven’s sake) and Sky (SKY) have also fallen over by 5%. It’s a bloodbath. A complete and utter catastrophe. The total market cap has plunged to a paltry $3.8 trillion. I may have to cancel my order for that gold-plated juicer. 😫

Jerome Powell and the Dreaded Symposium of Doom

The main reason for this global financial meltdown (well, my personal financial meltdown) is that everyone is waiting to see what this Powell man will say. He will either:

a) Hint at cutting interest rates, which will make everyone happy and probably cause Bitcoin to buy everyone a round of drinks.
b) Be all hawkish and stern and talk about inflation, which will cause the market to burst into tears and possibly vomit.
c) Be terribly, terribly boring and neutral, which is arguably the worst option of all.

A nice man from a bank told crypto.news, in what I imagine was a very serious email:

“The immediate catalyst remains Powell’s Jackson Hole address and whether it provides clarity on the Fed’s rate trajectory – a dovish surprise could quickly propel Bitcoin back toward recent highs, while hawkish messaging risks testing the $108-110K support cluster where institutional buyers have historically stepped in during this cycle.”

Which is a very long-winded way of saying “We haven’t got a bloody clue either.”

Institutional Investors Are Doing a Runner

To make matters worse, all the big, clever institutional investors are getting cold feet. The spot Bitcoin ETFs have lost money for five days in a row. They shed $194 million on Thursday. That’s enough for approximately 38,800 pairs of really quite nice shoes. It’s a tragedy. 👜

And it’s not just Bitcoin! The Ethereum ETFs are also having a nightmare, losing over $700 million this week. It’s a full-scale rout. A proper disaster. I feel a migraine coming on.

Charts Are Being Very Mean Indeed

And if all that wasn’t bad enough, the charts are now being actively malicious. Bitcoin’s daily chart has formed a “double-top pattern.” This is apparently one of the most bearish formations in technical analysis and looks like a pair of… well, never mind. It’s not good.

Bitcoin is now loitering at the “neckline” of this pattern (honestly, it’s all so violent). If Powell is hawkish, it could plunge to $100,000. If he’s dovish, it might cheer up and try again. It’s all utterly exhausting. I think I need a lie-down.

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2025-08-22 17:37