Picture, dear comrade, the following scene which could only occur in the alcoholic dreams of the Devil himself: Czech police-looking suspiciously like Azazello on a coffee break-snatching Tomas Jirikovsky, the darknet wizard, straight off his own tile-encrusted roof. 🏚️
The rooftop escapade happened on a Thursday night, the sort of night when roof slates gleam like newly minted satoshis. Our Bitcoin-shoveling anti-hero, allegedly the secret Santa who stuffed 468 BTC (≈ $45 000 000 in earthly rubles) into the Minister of Justice’s digital stocking, was spotted capering like a goat atop his house. Why climb roofs when you already live in them, you ask? 🤷♂️
The Chief Prosecutor, one Radim Dragoun-whose name, I grant you, already sounds like a rejected Hogwarts spell-announced, with the gravity of Pontius Pilate counting copper coins: “We are securing people and things.” Things, mind you, include laptops that probably smell faintly of Red Bull and bad conscience.
Bitcoin rooftop ballet ends with steel bracelets
Jirikovsky twirled once on the ridge before surrendering to gravity and, more importantly, to Czech special forces who politely suggested gravity was no longer an option. His ex-wife texted neighbours-oh, the joy of block-group gossip!-who texted back grainy videos suitable for TikTok. Arrest soundtrack? Handcuffs clinking in 4/4 time. 🎶
If you expected sympathy, comrade, allow me to laugh in Cyrillic: хихихихи. You can’t extort drug dealers, skim 841 BTC from your own bazaar, and then complain your ankles are cold.
The Shepherd who fleeced the Sheep (and ran away with the whole flock)
Our programmer is the celebrated architect of the Sheep Marketplace-an edifice so morally crooked it would make the Griboyedov House blush. Launched in 2013, when Bitcoin still traded for the price of decent vodka, the platform dealt in powdered dreams, iron persuaders, and counterfeit everything-except remorse. Seznam Zprávy now claims Tomas pocketed over 1 500 BTC in total. If Bitcoin were herrings, those wallets could stink up the entire Baltic.
In 2017 the Brno Court awarded him nine years in a state-sponsored spa complete with steel doors. After four and a half summers of good behaviour and worse company, he emerged, parole documents fluttering like confetti. The State forgot to confiscate his invisible fortune-because how do you confiscate what you cannot see, only subpoena the blockchain to weep? 😭
Another night, another darknet chimera
Enter Nucleus, Jirikovsky’s rumoured side-hustle. Rumour whispers of 5 000 BTC lounging inside its virtual wallet, fatter than Behemoth after Sunday buffet. Seznam alleges the generous ministerial donation of 468 BTC leaked from Nucleus, like manna-only the manna was stolen from sinners first.
When Arkham Intelligence spotted a $77.5 million belch from Nucleus in March 2025, the blockchain gasped so loudly it echoed from Prague to Palo Alto. Lucien Bourdon, of Trezor fame, sagely remarked: “Criminal BTC is traceable forever, like Cyrillic handwriting on wet cardboard.” Which is to say, dear reader, every satoshi leaves a footprint-wear smaller shoes, or better yet, avoid crooked paths. 👣
Moral? If the Devil pays you in Bitcoin, check whether the horns come as a transaction fee. 😉
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2025-08-15 15:25