Clouds, Coins, and Chaos: Rumble’s Daring Grab for Northern Data EXPOSED!

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Oh, what a spectacle:

  • On a Monday less ordinary, Rumble-whose name alone inspires visions of mustachioed boxers-threw its goblet in the ring, declaring intentions to gobble up Northern Data, apparently for breakfast, lunch, and possibly a late supper, all via an all-stock deal (no rubles necessary!).
  • This unholy union would allegedly fatten Rumble’s cloud infrastructure, ripe with Northern Data’s grandiloquent data centers and GPU contraptions. 🐔💻
  • Tether, the shadowy puppeteer holding 54% of Northern Data and having tossed $775 million into Rumble’s beggars’ bowl, slyly whispers its support, one eyebrow raised, one monocle fogged.

You dare to ask what’s inside?


USDTUSDT$0.9999◢0.01%

There are Mondays, dear reader, and then there was this Monday-where Rumble, video-sharing merchant and connoisseur of volatile fortunes, leapt at Northern Data with the enthusiastic abandon of Deputy Akaky Akakievich seizing a new overcoat. An all-stock deal, no cash, just paper-how terribly modern!

If destiny, that lazy clerk, allows this bargain to proceed, each somewhat-glorious Northern Data share transforms into 2.319 newfangled Rumble shares, as if by bureaucratic magic. After much counting on stubby fingers, it seems Northern Data’s gentlemen would hold about one third of the new conglomerate-just enough to complain about the coffee, not enough to change the cream. ☕🥄

Rumble, with all the subtlety of a Petersburg cabman, proposes to feast on Northern Data’s Ardent data center empire and the fabled Taiga GPU bazaar: over 20,000 Nvidia H100 GPUs and 2,048 majestic H200s. Five data centers await-the largest so grand it’s in Georgia (not that Georgia!), promising 180 MW of power. That’s either enough electricity to light up half the city or to toast a thousand Gogolian blini.⚡️🥞

Tether, ever the mysterious benefactor with a suspiciously heavy purse, agrees (in principle, whatever that means) to trade its shares for Rumble tokens and pledge for years to buy GPUs-possibly for world domination, more likely to confuse auditors. It even plans to loosen its loan to Northern Data, because financial pressure is so last century.

If this tapestry is stitched as planned, Tether will become Rumble’s largest Class A stockholder, courtesy of its lavish $775 million February offering. All so CEO Chris Pavlovski can prance about, window open, to proclaim Rumble’s impending global cloud computing reign, all with perfumed privacy and independence. 🎩🌩️

Meanwhile, as these potentates jabber, Rumble posts soaring revenues and a loss of $30.2 million (12 cents per share, but who’s counting? Well, I am), proof that in modern finance, losing money is the new winning.

As a final twist-Rumble stock soared 20% in the enchanted pre-market, before wandering off and settling 7% higher from Friday (investors briefly imagining themselves aristocrats), while Northern Data, traded somewhere in distant Europe, collapsed nearly 20%, like an ill-fated bureaucrat tripping on his own overcoat in broad daylight. 🤷‍♂️📉

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2025-08-11 21:54