🤑💸 Trump tweets; crypto explodes-YOLO your pension into JPEGs NOW! 💸🤑

by

Among the smoky tedium of an August Thursday, when flies die of boredom and the soul yawns wider than the day itself, the peculiar tribes of the Internet bazaar suddenly declared, with the fervor of neophytes at a revival tent, “The line must rise!” And lo, from within the glowing rectangles of our unsuspecting pockets, the golden-horned ox of Bitcoin bellowed its path toward $116,500 a number equal to the dusty dreams of uncles who once lost their shirts on tulips. 🐄📈

try not to cry

  • Because one man’s fountain pen is another man’s monetary Pentecost, tomorrow our ex-Tweeter-in-Chief will consecrate retirement accounts to the Church of Leveraged JPEGs.
  • Likewise, the old priesthood of the Federal Reserve cleared its throat and hinted that usury shall soon be reduced; speculators heard “Free Power-Ups!” and grew giddy. 🤡
  • Moreover, the high priests of Technical Analysis beheld a little flag on a chart and declared it prophetic, presumably after a strong coffee and a stronger imagination.

Yet it must be recorded that the entire cryptic cosmos-its atoms made of electrical gossip-swelled so grandiosely as to outweigh the gross domestic prayers of many nations, summing now to the majestic sum of 3.83 trillion dollars. How few bridges this sum would build, but how many egos it will inflate! 🤲💰

The lesser coins, still drunk on ancestral resentment, shook free of Mother Bitcoin’s tether and frolicked: Pudgy Penguins wobbled forth as if propelled by capitalist flatulence; Virtuals Protocol did something nobody quite understands yet applauded anyway; Ethena sang; Pendle pirouetted. Applause was duly scrolled, thumbs transformed into digital laurel wreaths.

On the occasion of an arbitrary decree bearing the presidential seal

Forsooth, a piece of parchment-inked by a man who once declared bankruptcy the way lesser mortals change socks-shall surely gratify 401(k) holders by flinging their nest eggs into the realm of cartoon dogs and pixelated rocks. Analysts, whose dinner depends on perpetual motion, assure us that billions in pension confetti will soon swirl down the crypto chimney like so much Christmas snow, except it’s July, and the fireplace is TikTok.

Meanwhile, the exchange shelves for Bitcoin and Ethereum echo hollow; the coins, like shy suitors, have retired to cold wallets or digital boudoirs. ETF gates clang open, and oligarchs with treasuries larger than Athena’s cradle file in, calmly trampling underfoot the ticket stubs of earlier investors.

The rumor of diminished interest, or, how the gods hint at mercy

Beneath the grand dome of the Federal Reserve, officials whose names sound like a law-firm garage band-Kashkari, Cook, Collins, Waller, Bowman-began murmuring, almost in iambic pentameter: “Let us loosen the choke collar of rates, so that debt may foment fresh fantasies.” Markets translated the poetry into PRICE GO UP and nodded sagely, as though discovering fire for the umpteenth time. 🔥📊

The labor bureau proclaimed the birth of merely 73,000 new jobs in a nation of three hundred million souls. This meager progeny was declared “splendid weakness,” and gamblers on Polymarket swapped wagers like aristocratic cotillions trading scandal. CME futures twisted due west, pointing to September scissors.

Red flashing squiggles predicted an even redder future

Now, turning from the tedious realm of flesh and blood, we kneel before the sacred candlestick mirage and behold: a flag so bullish it ought to snort and paw the earth. Support was found, naturally, at $112,000-that abstract fortress where prior lambs were shorn and thanked their shearers. The fifty-day exponential something-or-other bowed courteously; both agreed the ox might yet dig a deeper rut to the stars. And so, by sorcery reducible to lines on a screen, men who couldn’t cook breakfast proclaimed imminent transcendence-while their poor stomachs grumbled for beans and meaning.

Such is the August of 2025: when squirrels store acorns and men store passcodes; when presidents scribble fortunes into legal pads and grandmothers Google how to stake Solana with their Social Security checks. Onto the next tick. 🙏🪙

Read More

2025-08-07 20:32