The Jito Foundation-the nonprofit that’s been playing musical chairs with its HQ-announced it’s waddling back to the U.S., claiming the crypto rules here are now “clearer.” Clearer? In America? The land where regulations are as predictable as a bagel with lox… and a side of existential dread! 🎩💼🇺🇸
Jito is a “maximal extractable value” (MEV) builder for Solana. MEV, for the three of you still reading, is crypto’s version of cutting in line at Zabar’s. You shuffle transactions, snag arbitrage profits, and pretend it’s not sketchy. It’s front-running, but with more GitHub repos and fewer shady pit bosses. 🥯-blockchain
The Jito Foundation fled overseas thanks to Operation Chokepoint 2.0, a government initiative that made banks treat crypto like a contagious relative at Thanksgiving. Lucas Bruder, CEO and “buffalu” (because nothing says “we’re serious” like a Fortnite username), sobbed:
“Banks wouldn’t touch us. Vendors ghosted us harder than my ex. Every product decision felt like Russian roulette with a lawyer yelling ‘SEC! SEC!’” 🎰🛑
Now, Bruder’s singing “Kumbaya” about the GENIUS stablecoin bill (passed, somehow, without a Ouija board) and lawmakers drafting a “crypto market structure bill.” Because nothing says “regulatory clarity” like laws written by politicians who think “Solana” is a skincare brand. 🎩🔮
This “regulatory sea change” coincides with Paul Atkins-the SEC’s new figurehead-apparently convincing everyone that crypto’s now “safe.” The SEC, an agency that’s about as consistent as a gluten-free brownie. 🦄📉
Crypto Execs Still Getting Ghosted by Banks in 2025: A Love Story 💔
Jack Mallers, CEO of Strike, had JPMorgan Chase close his account. His dad was a client for 30 years! Meanwhile, I can’t even get a bank to return my free toaster from 1998. Priorities, America. 🍞🏦
Alex Rampell, a VC who invests in things he doesn’t understand (like my therapist), claims banks are still playing Operation Chokepoint. Tactics include charging $50 fees to send crypto to your “wallet” (which isn’t even a real wallet, genius) or blocking transfers to exchanges. It’s the 21st-century version of your parents hiding the car keys. 💸🤖
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2025-12-18 01:10